The background, according to Index:

So these guys made a flash game, that was just a parody of other dumb flash games.

Most of the people commenting on it got the joke, but one commentor didn’t and wrote an angry review

The voice over actor for the game, did a dramatic reading of the comment.

Here’s a link to the audio-only version (with visualizer).

Or you can weather an ad on youtube and then watch a more-animated version here.

And finally, here’s the text of the original review:

i reley dont wan to say this, but i have to now.
this game is so esey. i mean, all you do is hit the spacebar. thats it! how is this an RPG anyway? you cant contrail anything but what it says on the screen! what if i didnt want to buy the potion? what apout quests? all you can upgrade is stranth? there is no way you can lose to the boss at the end! this game is crap! its not even an RPG at all! i mean look at it! in what way is this supposed to be an RPG if you can do quests and stuff? all you do is press one butten the entier time! explain to me! the athore coments al totol lies! is it supposed to be stick dudes? i dont even know how this damn game got the daily 3rd prize, or a rating of 4.26!
pepole think this review is worthles.
go ahead! say it! i dont care! im just trying to make a point here!
blam this piece of crap!!!!
P.S the only reson im giving this a 1 is beacuase the voices where pretty good. but thats it!

The below emails (over 10,000 words!) are between me and “Tatyana” via Yahoo email addresses. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost the original email she sent to my real email address, but the rest of them are included here. I took the decidedly low road for my personality for this set of emails (which seems to have become sort of a theme for me). Eventually, after dragging out the final schtick for nearly a month, she stopped emailing me back.

Sorry about the formatting of her emails. This has already taken way to long to put together to waste any more time on fixing her indents.

Enjoy!

To: The Butcher
From: krasotkababy@yahoo.com
Subject: Sorry for the long answer …

Hello Butcher,
Thank you so much for your reply. I was surprised and happy to hear back from you.
Sorry for the delay. I don’t often use this e-mail address. I accidentally decided to check my mail box and was happily surprised to see your letter. I have another e-mail address and I use it to correspond with my friends. So please, write me on this e-mail address tatyanadronchenko@yahoo.com. I will send you a detailed letter from this address so you know it. Well, I do hope that you’ll forgive me and write me back very soon. I would like to get to know you better. I am sure there is so much interesting we can find about each other. I promised to send you my picture and so here I am attaching my picture. I will tell you more about myself in my next letter and will send it from my main,
I will be waiting impatiently for your reply.
Have a good day!
Take care.

P.S. If you liked my picture and you are interested, please, write me
soon. And if you are interested , please, don’t forget to send letters on this e-mail address – tatyanadronchenko@yahoo.com. This is my main mail address.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: Butcher, it’s me again …

Hello Butcher!
This is me again.
This is my main email, write here.
As I promised I am going to tell you more about myself now.
My name is Tatyana.
I am 28 years old.
I have never been married and I have no children.
My height is 5.4(166cm) and my weigh is 110(51kg). You can have an
impression about it from my picture.
I am a very affectionate person. I believe in a life full of
physical, emotional and spiritual happiness. And I want to share
such a life with a person who wants the same.
I love the outdoors, spending time at home with a beloved person.
I love nature, water, picnics.
But I don’t do this as often as I would like it to be as I don’t
have the one who could share it with me.
I am honestly ready to open my heart to a person who could
really appreciate this.
I work as a shop-assistant and do sell clothes for women (skirts,
trousers, blouses ). I really like my job. It is great when you
can help someone to look more beautiful and I like to be around
people.
I live in Russia. The city is called Novosibirsk. If you look at
the map, you will find it close to the center, in the beginning of
Sibiria. but somewhere I am going to get a student
visa and I am going to come to your country.
I thought a lot about it and had come to such decision.
I love Russia but I do really want to move to a more stable
country. The life is very complicated here. I know it will not
be easy in a foreign country. But I am sure I can do much more
in your country. I am a hard-working person and I am not afraid
of difficulties, so with the opportunities that your country
gives I can do more than I do here.
I already have some experience living and working in a foreign
country. Some years ago I worked in Australia and I should say
I liked it very much. So I know what is waiting for me and I
don’t want to waste time. And I decided to try and find a
person I could rely on, the one who will be with me in joy
and sorrows. We all work a lot now and it takes so much time
that we miss the most important in this life – love relations
and family.
Living in Australia I had relations with a man. But I had to
go back to my country as my visa was over. He didn’t want to
wait for me any longer. It was too difficult for him. It was
a very hard period for me but I could handle it. And now I
am ready to fall in love and to have new relations. I tried
to have correspondence with foreigners. But as soon as they
get to know I was from Russia they disappeared. They thought
I was a scammer. I hope that you are not scared that I am
from Russia.
I want you to understand, I am not a scammer. I don’t need
money from you. I heard much about it and I really feel sorry
for women who are true and want to find their happiness.
All this is so wrong as there are so many people who really
want to find their second halves. And internet is a very good
opportunity for this.
I hope that you like my pictures. I am not a model, of course.
I am just an average Russian girl who is truly seeking her love…
I hope that you are interested in me and I will hear back from
you. And perhaps, in the future we will have an opportunity to
meet. I go to the internet cafe 3 times a week. That is why
I am going to write to you in a day.
Well, I hope that now you understand me better and I will be
waiting impatiently for your reply.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyanna
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: Butcher, it’s me again …

Dearest Tatyana,

Thank you very much for writing to me. First of, I am very much enamored with your name. It makes me want to wrestle you to the ground, make love to you in a pile of leaves, and then feed you little pork sausages on sticks.

I also like your pictures. I can see that you have parks in Russia! Big rocks too! My amazement over these things knows no bounds.

I think that you would do very well in America. If you would be interested, I would hire you to work on my ‘farm.’ It is hard work and not at all like skirt-making, but if you are not opposed to little sleep, extreme manual labor, and the handling of potentially toxic substances it might work out nicely. The pay, of course, is relatively poor, though I can offer my body to you as compensation. Please let me know if you are interested and I will send you more details about the positions you must be willing to assume.

I look forward to getting to know you better. I think that perhaps it is fate that has brought us together.

Yours,
The Butcher

PS: Thank you for sending me your weight in kilograms. Lord knows, that’s useful.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: I am very glad to hear from you.

Hello again Butcher.
I am very glad to hear from you. Thank you for paying attention
and for writing back.
You can call me Kukla (Doll in English). My name is Tatyana,
But all my friends call me Kukla. it is my nickname…
I am going to tell you a little bit more about my lifestyle.
My apartment is rather small but very cozy. It is very
expensive here to rent an apartment. So this is what I can
afford to myself now – one room, no phone and a small kitchen.
I have a cell phone(007-952-158-9765)but I don’t think I am able
to call to other countries. Therefore write letters to me here.
But my friends say it is very comfortable. It is difficult
to live alone and do all by myself. My parents live in another
city. I moved from there when I was 17. And I don’t see them
often. We are not in very good relations with them. But any
time they need my help, I will come and do what I can for them.
Though I am 28 y.o. I am ready to settle down, to have family,
to give all my time to my husband. I think that every person
needs a place he could come and feel easy and comfortable.
This is what I am looking for and what I need. I don’t want
to be lonely any more. I was disappointed several times. And
I don’t trust men here any more. By the way, how it happened
that you still haven’t found your second half? You are a very
interesting person and a good man. And I am sure you break hearts.
You already know that I am trying to get a student visa to
your country. And it could be a very good opportunity for
us to meet if we like each other through letters and find
that we match each other. The situation in our country is
very uncomfortable now. With our president Putin we have no
democracy. There are no good laws; we live like it was during
the Soviet times. And I don’t like it at all. Other countries
are developing fast. But we are still on the same level as
it was many years ago. And consequences of an economic crisis
have very painfully struck Russia. I liked living in Australia.
It is a big and well developed country with lots of opportunities
for good life. I lived there for 1,2 years. But unfortunately,
I had to go back because of my visa. I was there in 2002y.
And it was a very good time for me. I enjoyed it.
I worked as a nurse with children. And I liked the family
I lived in very much. They are good people and they helped
the first time a lot. My language skill was not good and
they helped me to speak and understand it better. My living
there helped to write and speak English fluently. So there
will be no problems with our communication.
I told youalready in my previous letter that a man I had
there just left me and I don’t want to anything to remind
me about this again.
I am going to tell you about interests and hobbies in
my next letter. I have to stop here as the time in the internet
cafe is limited. I don’t have my personal computer at home
as most people in Russia do.
Well, I will better stop here for now.
Tatyana.
P.S.
I am going to write to you 3 times
a week so we could get to know each other better.
I will try to send you my pics with each letter.
I hope you don’t mind?

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: I am very glad to hear from you.

Dear Kuku,

You may call me The Butcher (The Butcher in English).

Do not worry that your apartment is very small (but cozy). I also live in a one room dwelling – the shed behind my mother’s house. It is very small (but cozy). She says I must live in the shed because of my “habits.”

It is excellent that, in addition to your skirt-making prowess, you are also a nurse! At the farm where I work we hire nurses all the time. Do you think you could work with old, infirm people? Here is why I ask:

In America we try and respect our elders. But they ignore this respect and instead drive slowly everywhere and write checks for their purchases at Wal-Mart (which takes for-ever). Why do they act this way? you ask. It is because they no longer feel valuable to society. The farm seeks to make them valuable, at least monetarily, once again.

To clarify, my workplace is not called ‘the farm.’ It is called the Gettin’ Bigger and Better Home for the Elderly. Perhaps you now have senior centers in Russia as an alternative to putting your elders on ice flows and pushing them out into the ocean? It is like that. At the G.B.B.H.E. our first objective is to put some meat on the bones of our clients. Makes them feel better, certainly makes them bigger, and they protest less frequently when we chain them to the beds if their mouths are full of Twinkies.

What we do next with those old folks makes them really valuable! I’ll tell you about that part next time when you tell me about your hobbies. I’m guessing that we enjoy the exact same things.

Yours,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyanna
Subject: I am very glad to see your reply.

Hi Butcher,
It’s me again.
I am very glad to see your reply.
I have some time and I decided to tell you more about myself.
I really like you and I would like to know you well. And I
want you to understand me better too, to know how I live,
what I do in my spare time.
Well, I like cooking very much. This is one of the things
that make me relax and forget about all the bad things that
happen during the day. Salads, different soups, pasta,
souses, cakes and pies– it is just a short list of what
I cook. I like very much to try new things. It is always nice
to go to a good restaurant or to a nice pizza place, cafe.
I do it seldom, usually it happens when we celebrate someone’s
birthday.
I like trying new cuisine and trying to guess what are the
ingredients.
What’s favorite dish?
I like bowling and billiard. do you like bowling? or billiard?
What’s is your favorite colour? Mine is red and black.
I have no pets. I like animals a lot. Also I like watching
programmes on TV about animals. I do love cats and dogs and horse.
Watching movies is one of my adorable things to do, especially
at the weekend. I like comedies and melodramas.
What’s favorite types movie do you like?
It is always so nice to rent some movie, to cook something
tasty or something sweet, to invite someone of my friends and
enjoy the time together. It is especially nice doing it in the
cold winter evening with a warm blanket and a cup of hot tea
or coffee.
I do not smoke, but sometimes I can drink a little wine (red) or beer.
I always try to find time to read something. The last book
I’ve read was “Loneliness in the internet” by Vishnevskiy.
I liked it very much though it is sad but it shows the true life
of people. I also like to read classical things by Tolstoy,
Bernard Show, Dostoevskiy and others.
I regularly go into aerobics. And I also I go twice a week to
the swimming-pool. It helps me to stay in a good shape and to
be healthy.
I try to lead a healthy life style, don’t have any bad habbits.
Music helps me to be a in good spirit. I like ballads very much
though sometimes I can listen to a fast music. I like Lara Fabian
very much and Darren Hayes.
I like to have long walks in parks.
I like to drive on a bicycle.
I have no it, but often take for rent bicycle.
What about you? What are your prefers? Tell me, please, more
about you and your interests.
I have important question for you. Do you know any colleges and
universities close to your place? I could check them in advance and
enter then when I go to your country.
I would like studies near to you and meet you often.
I wish to arrive to your country. I wish to receive the visa next month.
I have already started to collect documents necessary for a trip.
I wish to study and live near with you, that we could meet.
I wish to study as the medical worker or the bookkeeper.
I like both trades. But I can choose and any other branch of formation.
Well, I have to close here. But will be waiting very much for
your reply.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: I am very glad to see your reply.

Dearest Kuku,

I am thrilled to have received your “List of Every Possible Hobby and Pasttime” email. Yahoo thought that maybe it was spam and put it into the spam folder so I did not see it for a few days. What’s up with that? Regardless, you sound very normal. Don’t worry, we can change that.

You won’t find any universities near the G.B.B.H.E. But you can buy magazines at the 7-Eleven. They even have Cat Fancy! I bet a person could really learn a lot from Cat Fancy.

Let me tell you more about what you will be doing at the G.B.B.H.E.
1. Fattening up the old people
2. Running the sausage grinder
3. Wearing the skins of animals

That last part is just between you and me.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? And honestly, working at the G.B.B.H.E. is sort of like eating at a different restaurant every day. Tuesday is pizza day, so we’ve got pizza covered. Plenty of pastas and cakes. Can you do without salad? Salad produces a negative net weight gain in the old people. We want them fatter, not healthier. Friday is homemade sausage day. Have you guessed the ingredients yet? Nom nom nom. We don’t have any specific kind of food on Saturday because everyone is usually so full of sausage. We could make Saturday Borst and Pickles Day in honor of you, Tatyana. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Well. I’m needed in Room 12. After we’re done cleaning the blood off the walls, you and I can make love there someday.

Yours,
The Butcher

PS: Watching movies is one of your adorable things to do? What do you do that isn’t adorable, Tatyana? Even when you’re bowling, you look like a newborn kitten.

PPS: For the love of god, send more pictures of you with rocks.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: I hope have you got my last letter???

I hope have you got my last letter???
It seems like it did not reach you.
Here this letter-

Hello Butcher,
I am glad, to receive your answer.
Unfortunately, I can’t talk to you on-line, as I write letters
to you from the internet cafe and the time is limited there.
I wish I could chat with you but right now it is just impossible
as I don’t have a personal PC.
But I shall continue to send you email letters and pics.
I am going to send you my address here. As I already told you
I rent my apartment and I don’t have a phone there. But here
is my address, in case you decide to send me a card or a
hand-written letter: -

to Tatyana,
Number apartment: – 9,
Name street – Albazinskaya 7,
City – Novosibirsk,
Region (state) – Novosibirskaya oblast,
Zip code – 630024,
Country – Russia

Yes, I am going to come to your country. Somewhere
in a month. I am going to enter the University
or college. I am doing all the paperwork for this now. That’s
why I asked you about the colleges or Universities close to
your place. So I could study and meet with you there.
I shall live in campus.
Do you want it? You want that I lived near to you in your district?
Do not forget to send me your photos.
As soon as I finish this letter I will go and have a short walk.
You know walking is one of the things I adore. It is so nice to
have a long walk and then find some small cafe and get a cup
of coffee there. I don’t have a car and I don’t really want to
have it right now. And it is too expensive for me. I have no money
to buy a car. I have never tried to drive a car and I have no license.
Walking is much more pleasant. Unfortunately, most of the times
I have to walk alone. All my friends are married and they try
to spend more time with their families. I also like to go to the
movie a lot. But do it rather seldom. Usually I go there with my
friends, but they don’t do this often. They try to spend more
time with their husbands and children. As I don’t have children
and a husband, I try not to bother them often. Sometimes I feel
rather lonely but I try not to think of this often.
Any way, my city is too beautiful not to walk. My city is very
beautiful. There are so many places of culture there, lots of
monuments. It is very green. It is especially beautiful in
spring and in summer time when everything is awaken after
the winter.
There are also many parks and we have one boulevard with fountains.
And it is gorgeous.
Also we have some really beautiful churches. I am Christian
but I am not really religious. I have my own faith inside.
And I go to the church but do it seldom. I am not fanatic
about this.
I like nature very much and it is always a please to go somewhere
to the country-side and to spend a day there. I like picnics,
camping a lot. It is great to spend a day on the fresh air,
especially when you are with friends or family. I try to enjoy
it every time we do it but sometimes I feel very sad as I miss
not having my second half near.
Well, I am not going to be sad, as I am sure everything will
be fine. Please, tell me about your city? What is it?
What’s interesting there?
Tatyana.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: Hi.

Dear Butcher!
I have friend Vika. She is close friend. She makes all my pics.
She likes to photographe me. It’s her hobby. I like to pose her.
I decided to come to the Internet cafe again to write you.
I already spoke you – I shall arrive to you in a month.
I still choose college in which I shall go to study.
I shall inform you the name when I shall know.
I shall know all the information in a week.
I am going from the post office. I decided to send my parents
a letter. As I already told you I am not really in good relations
with them. But any way, they are my parents and I love them.
I also have a brother and he is younger than me and they give him
all the love they have. They always loved him more than me and didn’t
pay much attention to me. My mum wanted to have a son very much and
she couldn’t get pregnant for a long time and she was very happy
when she got to know she was going to have a son. Of course,
it hurts to know that they love him a lot and are not very
interested in my life. But if they are happy, I am glad for them.
When I have returned from Australia, I entered the Pedagogical
Institute and studied for an educator. I worked as an educator
in the kindergarten as soon as I finished it. Though I like children
a lot, the salary was too small to continue working there. You
know it is rather difficult to live alone when you don’t have
any help from anyone. That’s why I decided to try and find
another job.
I had relations with men in my life. But I can’t depend on a man.
When I love I give all of myself to this person.
Unfortunately, men can’t always appreciate this. I like sex but
I think that when you are in relations with someone you should
be faithful and do not betray the one who lives with you.
Unfortunately, men here want to have everything, a faithful wife
and another woman as a lover. I am a very devoted and faithful
person and this I can’t accept. Hope you understand me.
Sex is very good but I accept it only with the person that
I love. I am not a virgin but at the same time I am not a slut.
My last relations were 2 years ago. Unfortunately, it didn’t
work out as he was too busy spending good time with his friends
all the time and he almost paid no attention to me. I was just
like a beautiful thing for him and nothing more. Since that time
I had no relations with other men.
Well, it is not really comfortable to talk about sex right now.
You know that I write from the internet cafe and there are
lots of people around me. And also I don’t know you too good
yet to discuss this topic.
I have to go now. People are coming and coming to the internet
cafe and you know my time is limited (15min). Internet cafe is a
place where everyone can come and use a computer there. We have to
pay for such a service. It is not a library where you can use
computers free of charge. When I lived in Australia I often
went to the library and could use computer there as long as
I needed. But here the time is limited as there are too many
people who need to use them. Please, tell me about your family.
What relations do you have with them?
Enjoy you day!!!
All the best to you.
Tatyana.
P.S. I asked you in my previous letter to send me your address.
I want to send you a card and my picture. Or perhaps, I will
send you a hand written letter.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: Hi.

Dear Kuku Clock,

You are very verbose. Nothing that a couple of knocks with a hammer won’t fix, so not to worry.

I have gathered that you have many skills. Skirt maker, bookkeeper, nurse, teacher…my, what don’t you do?

But what’s all this talk about college? At the G.B.B.H.E. you’ll only need to train in for a couple of hours and you’ll be ready to roll! Sure, the bone dissolving tank can be a real nightmare, but you’ll get the hang of it! If you’re really not into the processing aspect of what we do, I could put you up front in the sausage shop with my Mom. You’ll like her. She has one eye and at least one appendage. She’s a real bitch, if you know what I mean.

You asked what sort of relations I have with my family. Wooo-weee! Your jaw will be on the floor when you find out. I hope you are limber.

I don’t have a mailing address. Well, there’s the sausage shop out in front of the G.B.B.H.E. but that’s more for business. But don’t worry about that. I will be there, Tatyana, whether it is at the airport to pick you up or in the bushes watching you undress. I was thinking about sending you some sausage, but Mom said that wouldn’t be a good idea. We try and steer clear of government offices. I’m sure you understand. Just imagine the taste of old folks fattened on donuts and pudding. Is your mouth watering yet? Mine is.

Please send a detailed description of your sex life with gradually more revealing photographs taken by your friend, Vika. If you could pose on rocks and/or with some large, scruffy dogs I would like that very much. I’m sending you a recent picture of myself. I don’t have a friend with a camera, so I don’t have any glamour shots like you do. My picture comes from my last visit to the doctors’ office. They told me my health is A+++++. I will send more pictures of myself soon.

Yours,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: how are you???

Hello Butcher,
I am so glad I have you in my life and I have an opportunity
to come to the Internet cafe and talk to you…
I am not really in a good spirit today.
I had a very bad conflict at work. Some people here in Russia
think that if they have lots of money they can do and say
everything they want. I had a conflict with one very rich woman
at work. She didn’t like the quality of the clothes. And was
so rude with me. But I am just a shop-assistant. I am not the
owner and I just sell things.
Sometimes I feel that I am very tired from my life in Russia.
I have nothing. I rent a very small apartment and can’t afford
anything better. I get a very small salary and prices increase
here every year. But salaries are still the same. I was shocked
when I get to the store to buy some food yesterday. They
increased prices again for milk products. Milk costs about one
US dollar which is too much. For-example, my salary is 120 US
dollars a month. And a half of it I pay for the apartment.
And what is left I spend for food.
Therefore I wish to leave to live in other country.
Therefore I save money for a trip.
I am just tired from a hard life here. And I want to move to
a foreign country. I want to get another education, to find
a good job there. That is why I am trying to get a student visa.
I shall study and work. I shall work to pay training and my life there.
I haven’t decided yet what University I am going to come to.
I am still searching information. I would like it to be close to
you. I am doing the paperwork now. And as they told me my
visa would be ready in a month. But I don’t know
the exact dates. It is just the way things are done here. As soon
as I know everything, I will let you know.
I want to have a more stable life for me and my future family.
And what is more important I want have a strong man near me
and to have a comfortable life for us. So I am trying to save
money any way I can for my trip and studies.
Please, forgive me for writing this to you. But I need to talk
to you. It is sometimes so hard to be just by myself. And
sometimes I need a strong shoulder and a friend to cry and to
get an advice.
I know that you are a very understanding person. So, please,
try to understand me. You are my friend and I trust you.
Now I shall go to a bathroom. I like to lay in bathing with foam.
It would be great to take a bath together. It is very
relaxing. And I think it is rather romantic.
You want it with me?
PLease,let me know what you think of this.
Write me your thoughts and your dreams.
Write a replay to me. Your letter will make me glad.
I will wait with hope.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: how are you???

Dearest Kuku,

GODDAMN MILK PRODUCTS ANYWAY! Why do they have to be so expensive? This one time I went to the store and I was standing there looking at the yogurt. You know, Tillamook makes a pretty good yogurt. They’ve got Key Lime flavor, Black Cherry, Vanilla. But they’re like 79 cents! A piece! And I was like, whaaaaaaaat. I work hard for the money I make and then, when I go and look at yogurt prices, it’s like a slap in the face. The logical answer would be to eat less yogurt. But no way. I’d rather cut off my fingers than eat less yogurt.

Wow, all this talk about dairy products has made me horny. Like you, I often fantasize about bathing in bubbles after I’m done with my dairy tirades.

The G.B.B.H.E. is doing well, Tatyana, but we need you come work for us soon. We had to let Margorie go. She was tipping the scales at 180. And by “let go,” I mean “turned into sausage.”

The moral of this story is: go easy on the food. Particularly if you work at the G.B.B.H.E. Also, it’s cheaper that way.

Love,
The Butcher

PS: Here’s another picture of me. I hope you like men in orange jumpsuits!

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: I want to apologise for complaining in my previous letter.

Hi dear Butcher,
I like pic. You do look real nice there.
You seem to be a very good and caring person.
In the first lines of this message I want to apologise for
complaining in my previous letter.
I don’t really want to complain and I don’t want to talk about
money any more. This was the first and the last time I did it.
I was just in a very bad spiring while writing my last letter
to you.
Sometimes we have bad periods in life and we need a strong shoulder
of a friend. I hope that you let me think you are my friend. And
I trust you that is why I decided to share my thoughts with you.
If you ever need to talk and if you ever need a friend, you can
always talk to me…
I have been thinking a lot about our meeting and I want to
meet with you a lot.
I am doing all the paperwork now to get a student visa. And
I do hope to get it. So if I get it I will be in your country.
and I think it is really a very good opportunity for
us to meet.
Please, tell me do you really want to see me? Do you want me
to visit you? Do you think that we could like each other and be
together in the future? Please, be honest with me and tell me
the truth.
I know that you are being tired with this question. But you
should understand my concerns. This is a very major decision to
move to the other country.
Perhaps, you wonder why I have such a big desire to move from
here. The reason is very simple. I have nobody and nothing to
stay here. I will miss my friends, but they already have their
families and they live with their own lives. I have parents but
you know we are not in good relations with them. And I think
they will not miss me.
I have no good job, have no stability. I have no family. It is
very hard to live in Russia and I don’t think it will ever be
better. And I am really tired from this life. That’s why I have
such a strong desire to get a student visa, to come there, to
get a new education, to settle down and already to have a family.
I hope that you understand me and that you support me in my decision.
Please, don’t be offended if I don’t always answer your questions.
I do it because my time in the internet cafe is limited. I don’t
always answer your questions because I am in a rush when I
answer your letters. I come here 3 times a week and have
only 15 minutes to write to you.
I wait your answer on my questions…
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: I want to apologise for complaining in my previous letter.

Dearest Kukukkklock,

It is OK to complain sometimes. Why, at the G.B.B.H.E. it is practically an art form! This one time, Marjorie, before we made her into the Tuesday Buy-One-Get-One-Free, she was stirring the entrails cooker and she dropped an earring in there! We all had a good laugh over that! The grease trap at the bottom of the cooker is ALWAYS full of earrings, you see. I guess that’s kind of an inside joke. Or an insides joke?

I understand your hesitancy, Tatyana. In Russia you’ve got all sorts of great stuff: vodka, sort-of-pretty-but-severe-looking-women-that-age-quickly-into-crones, beet soup, and dirt-encrusted snow! But do not worry. We have those things in the United States PLUS we have salt, high frutose corn syrup, and pornography! The holy trinity of a good time!

Only one thing concerns me about your email (everything else I am all-systems-go). Are you coming to the US to be a student or have a family? I hope it’s the latter. Because we have quite a large gene pool to select your mate from at the G.B.B.H.E. And you know, in a way, you would still be a student. We will call our experiment Tatyana’s Womb Fertility Research and Sex Farm (T.W.F.R.S.F. for short).

Yours,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: love you…

Hello dear Butcher.
Today I am writting to you why I am alone. I am so tired that
males sees on me as on beautiful pic only but not on woman.
I think you like my spirit mainly not my appearance.
That’s why I feel so easy myself with you. I have never felt
it with another males. I feel that you like my spirit firstly
and then appearance.
I want you to understand that I do really like you very much.
And I think that we have much in common and may be if meet we
will understand that we are a good match.
I am trying to get more information about the student visa
and I am doing a paperwork that is neccesary for it. There are
so many things that I should do for this but I think it is worth it.
I am going to come to your country. I am sure I will get my visa.
And I want to know will you meet me there? You are my friend
and you are a very close person to me already. And I like you
very much. I feel that there is something between us.
I hope you too have the same feelings. Of course, I can’t say
that I know you very well. But I feel that you are close to me.
I wish to know you better. I wonder how it can be to spend
time with you, to be with you, to cook together, to have dinner
together, to watch movies, to walk holding hands.
Letters are good, they help to understand people better. But
only meeting can show the real feelings. When you can touch, look
into each other’s eyes, it says a lot.
Please, tell me what you think of this. Would you like to meet me?
Any way you can be my friend. I will be in a foreign country and
I will need a person I can trust. And I trust you already and
I hope you do the same.
Please, think on this and let me know if you too want to meet
with me. I want it very much. I want to see you in real life,
to talk to you, to know you real but not only through the letters.
I think, I can trust you?
I already wrote to you, that all my pics is done by my friend Vika.
She says I have a beautiful body.
She is a very talanted photographer and I like to be her model.
She is my friend and is a very good girl. She usually takes pics
of me. We went to work together.
She works close to my place. She is a shop-assistant too.
Also today she has made 2 pics me and my passport.
I shall attach to you it in the following letter.
I will go now to get more information about visa.
I am going to get very important information.
I hope to hear good news.
I shall have information approximately in half an hour.
Tatyana.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: information…

Hello my dear Butcher!
I have all the information about my visa now. And I will get
it without any problems. It will be so great to come to your
country at last and to see you. I even can’t believe this
could happen some day! Yes, perhaps, I act like a silly girl.
But I already dream of our meeting. I try to imagine how this
could be. How I will touch your hand, look into your eyes.
So now I have to do is to show them all the papers and to
pay for it.
But here I have one problem. I tried to save money. But I didn’t
expect I would have to pay for visa so soon. I thought it would
be later. So I don’t have enough money right now.
And I need your help in this if you really want to meet me.
I need 240 US dollars to pay for visa.
It will include medical insurance and everything that should
be there. Perhaps, you think why it is so expensive. Well,
sum of money includes visa, insurance, medical certificate
and many other papers.
I already have got my passport for going abroad. I have already
made it and have paid for it. But I didn’t think that they would
give visa so soon. And if I don’t pay for it now, I could have
problems in the future with getting visa. And I don’t want to
miss this chance. To prove you that I am real and I don’t lie
to you, I am going to attach you a copy of my passport.
So all I need to do now is to pay for visa. And then everything
will be done and all we have to do is wait for the time it is
issued. I have only 7-10 to pay for it and I will get it
without any problems.
This visa allows me to stay in your country for 3 months.
And to enter any university during 3 months. I can stay for
longer is I enter the university. But if I find a job I can
stay for the rest of the time in your country if I find a
job when I finish my education. But I also plan to work there
while I study. I don’t want to depend on any one.
I will return back your 240 $. I am asking it to borrow.
I will work and return back it. I promise.
I’ve got to know that the best way for you to send money
through Western Union or Money gram. Please, don’t send me
money by regular mail. First, for sure I will not get it as
they steal money and things here. And also it will take long
time for the mail to come. And then I will miss my chance
with visa already.
So, please, use WU or Money gram for sending money. It is
an easy and quick way to get it.
You already know my address, I’ve sent it to you already.
And my full name is Tatyana Dronchenko.
You better check WesternUnion.com or Moneygram.com to get
more information and also offices that are close to you.
Also there is an opportunity to send money from the credit
card. You just need to visit any office of WU or MG.
Or through the site westernunion.com or moneygram.com
You even don’t need to leave your place to do it.
You can send money to any Western Union of Tomsk.
Please, understand my problem and send me 240 dollars.
So, please, let me know if you can help me in this.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: information…

Dearest Kuku,

That is wonderful that you have acquired your passport! And I see that you’ve taken a picture of yourself with it in a strip club. Double wonderful!

I should be able to wire you this money tomorrow. It takes me a full day to hitchhike to the nearest Western Union, plus a little extra time to bury whoever gives me a ride, but I will leave tonight after Meatloaf Night. My full name is Jeff Dahmer. That is what will appear on the wired funds, so that you know it’s from me. I will use the address you sent me early. I am going double the amount you have requested. That’s so you can buy yourself some sexy galoshes to bring on your trip. Make sure they are fashionable, yet blood-proof.

Oh, Tatyana, you are the woman of my dreams! Never before have I been so frank about my work, my life, my murderous, inhuman desires. I know that I could tell you all the intricacies of human fat rendering and you would not bat a beautiful eyelash. I could describe to you in detail how difficult it is to get a Sawsall unstuck from someone’s patella, and I know you would listen intently, flexing your thigh muscles seductively. Oh, it is too much!

Can you please do one thing for me before I send the money? Can you have Vika take a picture of you holding a piece of paper with the phrase “I Love the Fist” written on it, along with the current date? This is so I know that you love me fully with all eleven ounces of your heart. (The Fist is the nickname my mother calls me which I punch her. This will be a great way to get on her good side!) Please do not think poorly of this request, but we have only just met, and I must proceed with caution.

So, much love and don’t trip and fall on your nose. I am on my way to take care of some business and then I will be off to the nearest Western Union to send you $500!

Love,
The Fist AKA The Butcher AKA Jeff Dahmer

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: I feel shamed and offended.

Dear Butcher,
I do not know what to start my letter with. I feel shame and
offended. I just want to tell you that I am completely serious.
I have serious intentions to come to you and I am not going
to lie to you. I am not a silly little girl that plays games
to get money. Can’t you see it from my letters? I understand
that I should settle down already and that is why I am going to
move to another country. I know that in Russia I will not be
able to have a strong family and good job. I will be unhappy.
Here men don’t look at women as you do it. I have decided to
move long time ago. But couldn’t start doing it before I met
you. I didn’t want to go to your country without love. .
I asked you to send me 240 USD. And I feel shame for this. But
I had no other choice then to ask you. The problem is that I have
only 7-10 days to pay for my visa. I didn’t realize I would need
the money so urgently. They took my papers and told me that I
wouldn’t pay in 7-10 days, they would just refuse me. And then
I will not have another chance to get visa to your country.
It was a shock for me . I thought that I could just leave the
papers and then pay for it before the trip. I think
I would be able to find the money by that time. But it was
beyond my forces/ I was shocked. I went to all my friends and
acquaintances. But all refused to me. They don’t give such a
big sum of money. I don’t ask my parents as they just don’t
give me money. When the last time I asked them to help me,
they refused me. They told me they had to support my
Brother and themselves. It hurt me. That is why I do not ask
them about anything any more and I almost don’t talk to them.
I asked my friend Vika to help me, but she had not such money.
She is married and has a child. And recently they have bought
an apartment and took it in credit. I also went to the bank
to check there. But they even didn’t listen to me. My salary
is only 120 USD. And they just can’t give me 240 USD. I had
tears. That is why I decided to ask you. And I feel shame
for this. I understand that it is very difficult for you to
trust the girl you have never seen before. Lots of Russian
women lied to foreigners. But I am not the same. I am real.
And I am not going to lie to you! I promise!
I know that 240 USD is not such a big sum of money in your
country. And I ask you this money not as A present to me,
I am going to give them back to you. As soon
as I come there and start working I will give you money
back. I told you I was going to study and to work. I will
be able to pay for my studies and for my accommodation.
I already told you I was going to get a student visa for
3 months. I will be able to come to your country and to
choose any university or college. I have 3 months to enter
it. And I can stay there as soon as I finish it. I am going
to choose the one that is close to you to be able to see you
often and perhaps we could get married.
You are really a very dear person to me and I want to be
with you and if you fall in love with me, we can get married
in the future. If we are together, we will build our future
together. I am not the one who wants to get everything in
at once. WE will work together and pay our bills. I understand
that family is for the rest of the life in joy and sorrows.
And I will understand if you decide not to have a family with
me, and we can just be friends. I will understand if you fall
in love with another woman. You can’t order your heart who to
love. I understand that you can like me through the letters
but in real life you may not fall in love with me.
I ask you one more time, please, understand me and send me 240USD.
I already told you that you have to send me money to my city.
You should use Western Union or Money Gram for this.
And use my address that I have sent to you.
You should send money to Novosibirsk for my name.
My full name – Tatyana Dronchenko.
Tatyana – this is my name.
Dronchenko – is my last name.
I already wrote to you, my address-
Number apartment: – 9,
Name street – Albazinskaya 7,
City – Novosibirsk,
Region (state) – Novosibirskaya oblast,
Zip code – 630024,
Country – Russia.
You can send money through Western Union:
PUSHKINO,
Gogolya, 36
Novosibirsk, 630005, Russia.
Or
OTKRITIE,
Oktyabrskaya, 52
Novosibirsk, 630099, Russia.
You don’t need anything else to send the money.
As soon as you send the money they will give you secret number
( MTCN or Reference Number ). And you’ll have to tell me it.
Or I will not be able to get the money without it.
As I already told you could get all the information and
the address of the office at the site -
westernunion.com
or
moneygram.com.
I don’t know what else to say for you to send me money as
soon as possible as my time is limited.
Next time they will just refuse me in visa. I wrote you all
the truth in this letter. I am sincere and open with you.
I hope that you will understand me and decide to meet with
me. Please, believe me and send me 240 USD. And please, remember
that I have only 7-10 days to pay for it.
Tatyana.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: P.S.

P.S. Here which you asked a photo!

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: I feel shamed and offended.

Dearest Kuku,

Do not feel shame. Shame is not what you feel when you ask for money. Shame is what you feel when you realize that the earlobe you just ate was from someone you spoke to only yesterday.

I am very excited that you are so close to being able to come to America! Today I walked the final five miles to Smudgeville, where the Western Union office is. Sadly, it was closed, so I spent the night camped out under the freeway, yelling your name at the passing semi trailers. I did not sleep a wink even though the dead hooker I used as a mattress was super comfy.

This morning I got up and ran to the WU office. They were very leery, Tatyana, I will not lie. They told me that many emails such as your own come from scammers trying to take my money. But I am in love, I said, as I vomited my breakfast of hooker fingers onto the countertop. They could see that I would not be dissuaded, especially when I showed them the image of you holding the sign with my nickname on it.

I sent the amount of $240, as you requested, to the office in Novosibirsk, plus of course, a little extra for you to buy the sexy galoshes as well as some bridal lingere made from the skins of river beavers, as per the customs of your country.

They gave me a reference number that they said you will need to collect the money. This number is 000245351. I hope I copied that down right, but I’m a little drunk right now. I think if you give them that number and maybe flash your boobs there will be no problem.

Oh, Tatyana, tell me that we will be together soon! I will walk back to the G.B.B.H.E. now, my feet heavy, but my heart full of hope.

Yours,
The Fist AKA The Butcher

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: P.S.

Dearest Kuku,

Did you receive the money? I hope so because had to mug 124 third graders to get that amount.

Please let me know that you have successfully purchased your visa and river otter negligee and will soon be sitting on the floor of my shed drinking Southern Comfort from a skull.

Also, I hope you have not been eaten by wolves.

Love,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: I do not understand you a little???

Dear Butcher,
I do not understand you a little??? Have you sent money??? If yes
than I cannot receive it without your exact name and last name (sender).
And also without MTCN (Transfer Control Number). These are 10
estimated figures. Please, send me this iformation!!!
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: I do not understand you a little???

Dearest Kuku,

Yes! I have wired you the money from the Smudgeville, Iowa, Western Union. They told me that the transfer, in the amount of $506.66, was “instantaneous.” My name, as it appears on the documents is (first name) Jeffery (last name) Dahmer. This was sent to Tatyana Dronchenko at the Novosibirsk Western Union. The reference number they gave me was 000245351.

Oh, Tatyana, I hope they have not deceived me! If they have ruined our chances at eternal love, I will smite them all from this Earth! They don’t know, Tatyana, that I have already made you a human-sized sausage casing for you to sleep in, that I have already embroidered your name across the ass-section of all my Def Leppard t-shirts, that I have already purchased the chains for our mutant love children. They know not of our love!

But I will show them. If they have tricked me, if you cannot purchase your visa within the 7-10 allotted days, then I will show them. I care not for the G.B.B.H.E., for the sausage shoppe, for mother and her attempts at seduction, for the potting shed I call home and the pig I call my brother.

I will go out, in a blaze of glory, Tatyana. I’m a colt in your stable. I’m no one’s son.

I await your response with a dripping mouthful of anticipation.

Yours,
The Butcher

PS: Please send me a picture of you wearing a hat shaped like a banana.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: [no subject]

Hi dear Butcher!
I have just returned from the western union. But I have not
received your money. To me have told, that is possible you
did not send money. You have given not correct MTCN
(Transfer Control Number). You have given – 000245351.
But it is not correct. MTCN should be 10 figures.
You have given only 9. You have really sent money?
Why you have given not correct number MTCN?
I do not lie to you. I am going to get money in WU office or
MoneyGram using my passport. If I was not real, I wouldn’t
be able to get the money!!! Please, understand that I am real!
I sent you a copy of my passport in my last letter.
The problem is that I have no time to wait. I have only
7 days for this.
Please, understand that next time they may not even take the
documents for visa, if they refuse me now. And they will
refuse me in this if I do not pay in time. They will just tell
me what for I try to get visa for the second time if you have
no money. So I am just in hopeless situation.
All my thoughts are about one thing now. Then I may not have
such a chance again. Your goverment has a limited amount
of student visas. And if I miss my chance now, i may not have
such a chance again in the future. It is impossible to get
another kind of visa. NO one will give me a tourist visa.
It is impossible for a single russian lady to get it. I asked
about the work visa. It is a very difficult process. And also
more expensive one. I don’t have a diploma about high education
in your country. And the russian one is not valid in your
country. The Fiancee visa is a very long process and complicated
process. It will take about half a year to make all the paperwork
and if they don’t see that we do love each other truly they
will just refuse in the Embassy.
I want to repeat. please, understand – I ask you to lend me
money. I understand it is too expensive for a preset.
I understand that 240USD is a big some of money in your country.
I don’t believe in miracles as I was disappointed many times
in this life. You will not loose this money. I will come to
your place and will work there. And as soon as I earn I will
give you money back.
I’ve been thinking a lot about us yesterday. I have so many
feelings and they are so different.
My heart aches when I understand that you are far from me.
I wish I could lessen the distance between us. I know that
I have to be patient and wait.
Perhaps, you will think that I am silly but I don’t want to
hold it all inside and I want to share my feelings with you.
I am emotional person and I want you to see my feelings.
Please, understand me. I want to share this with you. I think
I am in love with you. Of course, I have to see you in real life
and talk to you to be sure. But I have so many emotions about
you and I miss you so much. I think about you all the time.
I get up with the thoughts about you and I go to bed thinking
of you too.
I feel that I want to take care of you, I want to give you all
my love.
Please, don’t think I am weird. But this is what I feel about
you. And I want you to know this.
Life goes one. Nothing new happens. I go to work, do different
things at home, meet my friends. But any way I do something
I think of you.
Please, tell me what you think and feel about me. It is really
very important for me and I need to know this.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Re: [no subject]

Dearest Kuku,

I am at the Smudgeville Western Union.

After I received your message, I knew that I had been had. Bertha and Julie and Peggy at the Smudgeville Western Union: they screwed me, Tatyana! And not in that good way that means you’re going to have to have the ceiling fan cleaned. They took the $506.66, in cash, that I intended to send to you, they took it and they bought Mary Kay cosmetics and wine coolers with YOUR money after telling me that it was wired to you in Russia. And when I called them on the phone, they snorted at me like sassy piglets.

So when woke up this morning and I knew what I had to do to save our wild, precious love. I packed up my two trusty pellet guns, hijacked a Cysco Food Service Truck, and drove to Smudgeville post haste. I crashed that truck right through the front window of the Western Union. Frozen food service hamburgers went everywhere! I jumped out, tackled Julie and brained her with an ice-cold fish fillet. Then I tied her to the other two employees with sausage casings. It was awful sexy.

And now, I’m writing you from the Smudgeville Western Union computer system. I have access to everything, Tatyana. We are going to be rich beyond our wildest dreams. I’m going to buy you a trailer made of solid gold and you can live in it forever wearing nothing but 6 inch platform heels made from the bones of wood chucks. Imagine it!

As soon as I send this I am going to wire you $1,000,000 US dollars. This will be coming to the Western Union you specified, under your name, from me, Jeffery Dahmer. Oh my god, Tatyana, the police are here! I must be quick! The MTCN number for this wire transfer is 019210934

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: [no subject]

Dearest Kuku,

Did you receive the MTCN number? Everything happened so fast. I hope that you received it and have collected the money. Perhaps at this very moment you are taking a bubble bath and sipping chicken broth.

I’ve been wounded, Tatyana. Wounded, for your love. I’m behind the counter of the Western Union in Smudgeville. They got me in the stomach. It’s like an old time cowboy movie except that I’ve been eating Snickers bars out of the vending machine to stay alive. I released my hostages hours ago. They were starting to smell. But still, I don’t think that I have long to live, even if I drink my own blood and urine.

Please, Tatyana, tell me that you received the money! That would be my dying wish. Also, I’d like to see you jumping rope with ten little Japanese girls while wearing a chipmunk costume. Please, Tatyana, for love,

Yours,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: [no subject]

I already wrote to you-
I have just returned from the western union. But I have not received
your money. To me have told, that is possible you did not send money.
You have given not correct MTCN (Transfer Control Number). You have
given – 000245351. But it is not correct. MTCN should be 10 figures.
You have given only 9. You have really sent money? Why you have given
not correct number MTCN?
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: [no subject]

Oh Tatyana, thank god!

Forgive me for sending you a truncated MTCN number, but I was thumbing wrestling a Smudgeville police officer at that exact moment and some of the number didn’t get sent. Oh yes, here it is. 0002453512. $1,000,000, Tatyana!

I have a news reporter here. I allowed her in to interview me. I told her about us, Tatyana, about our unbridled love. She has a question for you.

“Tatyana, after you claim your $1,000,000, and come to America, what are you going to do first? Go to a women’s basketball game or buy a package of discount hot dogs?”

Isn’t that a great question? She’s a very good reporter.

Tatyana, please try again with the MTCN. I will try and hold my intestines inside my stomach cavity for a few more days.

Love,
The Butcher

PS: If I die, be sure to feed my body to a herd of wildebeasts.

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: [no subject]

I can’t write much. I have just came from WU. But I haven’t got your
money. Have you sent it? They told me there was no money from you.
Maybe you have done a mistake somewhere. I used your full name (Jeffery Dahmer)
and MTCN(0002453512) that you gave me. But they told me there was nothing
there. Please, explain me. Or maybe there is a mistake? Please, go to WU and
check with them. I will be waiting for your reply.
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: [no subject]

Dearest Kuku,

I have finally realized my mistake after looking at a logo painted 4 feet high on the window of the business I have been holed up in for the last four days. I wasn’t at Smudgeville’s Western Union after all! I’m at the Smudgeville Moneygram! Silly me! And poor, Bertha and Peggy and especially Julie whom I clobbered with a frozen piece of fish. They must have thought that I was crazy. They weren’t to blame at all. It was their evil doppelgangers at the Western Union! I will deal with them. Lord knows I have enough cheese farts saved up.

So, here’s what you need to do. Please visit the Moneygram in your location. Give them my name and the MTCN number. There will be $1,000,000 waiting for you, Tatyana! Can you say “One Million Dollars!” in a state-fair-announcer voice? I can.

What’s that? Oh, the news reporter has another question for you. She’s still here. “Would Tatyana be willing to get a Cleveland Browns tattoo for charity?”

So my love, please be quick. Go to Moneygram and get the money, honey. Also, if you happen to have a nude picture of yourself just laying around the internet cafe please send it post haste. I only have 2 pints of blood left in my body and I am determined to waste it on an erection.

Yours,
The Butcher

To: The Butcher
From: Tatyana
Subject: [no subject]

Butcher!
What for this game is necessary? I went in MoneyGram! To Me you have
told have deceived me, and did not send money! You at all did not know
that in MoneyGram it is necessary to have not 10 figures! They use
only 8. You the deceiver. They have checked up you by name, and have
told that you never sent money to me. What for the lie is necessary it?
Tatyana.

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: Please, my beautiful dameschenkoslovakia

Dearest Kuku,

UUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg.

Sorry about that. I think I just had a minor coronary event. I am dying here on the floor of the Smudgeville Moneygram and all you can think about is money, money, money. Whatever happened to love and 10,000 word emails about your hobbies?

I have not deceived you my love! I am having to learn the Moneygram computer system while exchanging fire with a SWAT team. Also, three of my fingers have been shot off. So it’s pretty hard to type this, let alone wire you $1,000,000 successfully the first time.

The number I sent you was correct, but I see now the mistake. The Moneygram computer automatically added a 2 digit country code on to the end of the number! So, 00024535 is the correct number. Dahmer, Jeffery, sent to Tatyana Dronchenko. Please check again! For me, for our love, for the love of mountain goats, Tatyana!

Oh, I think it will not be long now for me. The National Guard has gathered out front! They are roasting marshmallows with their flamethrowers!

Love,
The Butcher

To: Tatyana
From: The Butcher
Subject: my death

Tatyana my dearest,

Do you have the money in your meaty Russian manhands? The one million dollars?

It will not be long for me now. Even the reporter has gone home to play Pictionary with her family. As I die, I wonder many things. Who will make the sausage when I am gone? Who will make mother into sausage? Who will feed my goldfish, Tatyana Junior?

In the end, I realize that is Tatyana Junior that I hold most dear. Well, that and pickles. Who will eat all the pickles of the world when I am gone?

i feel life slipping awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Tatyaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn

I almost wish they were already done recording the 5 albums they’ve said they’re gonna do before moving in the direction of film.

Edit: She’s saying, “Come on you fucking deadbeats – I came out here with a gun and with my tits hanging out for the express purpose of inspiring a caption contest on a sorely inactive blog. So think something up or I’ll blow yer sorry fucking asses away.”

And Allah hates it too!

Here’s a video.

What a treebranch sounds like when it gets electrocuted.

Long time no write. Oh how I have missed my devoted reader.

Here’s a reward for waiting so patiently. This is just for you, you know who you are.

I must preface this post by stating I do not speak Portuguese, and I really don’t understand Spanish very well.
At best I will translate this as “Genuine love, Bicycle in your exit.” The rest speaks for itself, and I can’t really translate that either.

Click here to view the embedded video.

MANTYHOSE!

“Prosthetic Garters!”

OH, HOW I ADORE YOUR HORSEY FACE

Marilla Melon-Squeeze:
If it would please,
Take me down
to the Thames
Beneath the
Sheltering trees.
And have your
regal way with me.

I’ll gladly be
Your Prince.
I ache to be
Your champion.
Behind closed doors
(where we’re all revealed
as pimps and whores)
I’ll beg to be
Your tampon.

MISTER VAN CLEEF

Mister van Cleef
Enjoys a good queef;
It makes him tremble like a leaf
when the
Wind blows by those flaps of beef.

ABHORRING THE BACK PASSAGE

Thoroughly disgusted,
I said, “Xavier,
as a romantic apertif,
as a sexual flavor,
arse has no savor;
Yet in the blue cinema,
after an enema,
after they lave her
and shave her…”

“A sodomite spelunker,
a scatalogical caver,
bends up, as in Chaucer,
to ‘kiss her naked arse,
Right greedily.’
Albeit at length,
and knowingly,
as a matter of course.
How can this be?”

“How did this come to pass?
This obscene obsession with arse?
How did this ever happen?
That hole was made for crappin’.
Why did this ever start?
It’s the aperture for a fart.
It’s unwholesome and absurd,
To taste the abode of a turd.”

On Overstock.com

It is amazing.

Scientists discover how to make a robot fish that becomes the leader of the school. This has some pretty cool potential.

So far I haven’t seen anything that these guys do that I don’t like.

Oh yeah…the video…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Hi, everybody!

Here’s a present

Here you go. The Duckface Song.

The first Photo Bomb…

Click here to view the embedded video.

This site will create an oil painting based on retro propaganda posters with your likeness in place of the original faces. The best part? It’s all done by Chinese contract artists, so you don’t have to worry that your painting was done in a “painting factory.”

Visit maoart for more details.

Thanks to Karma for the tip.

Follow development here.

Those with sharp eyes (or, really any eyes at all all) will enjoy the horse robot with a “fuckable butt.”

NSFW, y’all!

Click for more bigger.

Thanks to @monoboy for the tip.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I think it might be better to let the top two youtube comments speak for this video.

1. “Future Atheists”

2. “parenting. you’re doing it wrong.”

Also, I’d like to note that it would be super easy to rhyme at least two of their lines with vagina and masturbate.

What does a seagull have to do with a lactating breast? Only the Chinese know for sure. Hop on this sweet painting before it’s gone forever relisted. Also, this woman isn’t “blond.” But that seems like splitting hairs.