Heads up to Blue-Eyed Mary for sending this my way–

Lord, deliver us from the Comet, the Turk and the Heathen.

Right across the street from Slow Town -

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Source

The faceless masses foundering in filth, coated with corruption, SLATHERED IN SHIT?

I can buy that.

Addendum: The above is pretty much just law-of-averages thinking.  There are 300 million persons in the U.S., and almost all of these 300 million have their hand(s) in their cracks at least once a day. Even if we suppose that 90% wash their hands thoroughly after No. 2 (a very generous estimate), that still works out to 30 million “Goldfingers” spreading their butt juice around, day in and day out, 365 days a year.

Addendum #2: It suddenly occurs to me that this soda-jerk phenomenon may, in certain locales, correlate with the upsurge of interest in fisting as a form of sexual gratification and as a subject for various “low budget” cinematic productions. The casino buffets in Las Vegas might be a good place to check.

Addendum #3: Case Study: I posted this way back when here at the fist. It describes another potential “vector” for distribution of fecal coliform bacteria ( As an aside, illustrating our headspace here at The Fist, I recall that the comments on this clip addressed how the way she ["nutcheese"] pronounces her “s,” with a slight “sh,” as in “ashcrack,” is hawt, being reminiscent of the way Gillian Anderson pronounces her “s.”)

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SODA FOUNTAINS SQUIRT FECAL BACTERIA, STUDY FINDS

Experts Say Infections Could Spread If Fountains Are Not Cleaned Properly

By LAUREN COX
ABC News Medical Unit
Jan. 8, 2010

Those soda fountain machines found in restaurants and fast food joints may be squirting out liquids contaminated with fecal bacteria, a small study found.

Whether it was self-serve or behind the counter, nearly half of all sodas dispensed from a sample of 30 machines in the Roanoke Valley in Virginia had coliform bacteria — a group of bacteria banned in drinking water by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) because it indicates the possibility of fecal contamination.

“The EPA regulates our drinking supply, and there can be some bacteria, but one of the things that is not allowed is coliform bacteria,” said Renee D. Godard, professor of biology at Hollins University and a co-author of the paper published in the January print issue of the International Journal of Food Microbiology.

“We can’t have that in our drinking supply. But they’re coming out of these soda fountain machines,” she said….

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Oh, you’re flying back home, and your pants are full of foam, DIARRHEA!

Thanks to the Nigerian dude with the inflammables in his pants, an entire range of  “enhanced” security procedures are now being instituted, which will impact the traveler. Possibly the most significant in this respect is a hard and  fast rule that nobody use the airplane bathroom for an hour before landing.

I’m thinking that in the long haul, this is going to be problematic. I know that when I travel, it tends to put my gut off. Add to this hours and hours on the airplane, various and possibly dubious things eaten – not to mention “Acts of God,” like the unforseen salmonella contamination in ubiquitous peanut bags or nasty little sandwiches, etc. – all this suggest that more people than ever before are going to be exiting the aircraft with loads in their pants.

I’m just sayin’… the law of averages, you know.

First it’s weird and kind of funny. Then it’s sad.

The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office said Hayden Wright, 4, was found wandering the streets of his Chattanooga neighborhood while wearing a little girl’s dress and drinking a beer at 1:45 a.m. Tuesday, WTVC-TV, Chattanooga, reported Thursday.

“He runs away trying to find his father,” said the boy’s mother, April Wright, 21. “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.”

Video from here.

Quotes from here.

Michelle and Jim Bob

DUGGAR BABY NO. 19 ARRIVES EARLY
Michelle Duggar had emergency C-section; delivers 1 lb, 6 oz Josie Brooklyn

By Mike Celizic
TODAYshow.com contributor

Make that “19 Kids and Counting” — but not before something of a scare due to an emergency C-section and a very premature birth.

Michelle Duggar, America’s most famous supermom and star of the TLC reality series “18 Kids and Counting” (which is due for a title change), gave birth to her 19th child Thursday evening.

The infant wasn’t due until March 18, but after Michelle Duggar seemingly recovered from a weekend attack of gallstones and elevated blood pressure, she was rushed into an emergency C-section at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences….

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Investigation Launched In Videotaped Police Beating

SEATTLE — The Seattle Police Department launched an investigation into an arrest earlier this year in which three officers are seen on camera using their fists, batons and a flashlight to subdue a man they said was resisting arrest.

Police said Daniel Saunders was mistakenly released from the King County Jail. Officers were going to arrest Saunders when they learned he was attempting to collect property in the evidence room on June 6….

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