Every sane parent wants their kid to grow up and prosper–and that, of course, entails a number of things: moral and ethical foundations, a good education, a stable home life, a sense of belonging, and of course, the knowledge that he/she is loved. However, it is also important that the developing human being become acquainted with some the perils and pitfalls of the “real world.” It’s a jungle out there. You can get hurt if you’re not careful, and it’s well that every child understand this.

Particularly important is that every child understand the very real danger of becoming possessed by demons and having to endure such awful things as:

• -360 degree rotation of one’s neck vertebrae
• -projectile vomiting of pond scum/pea soup
• -bodywide affliction with festering sores and lesions
• -involuntary shouting of extreme blasphemies such as “FUCK ME JESUS!”
• -masturbation with a crucifix (anally, in the case of males)
• -a voice like Nathan Explosion, even if you’re a girl.

Fortunately, there is a website parents can turn to in order to educate them about the dangers of demonic possession (and a host of other bible topics). One particular page from this site, for example, tells the biblical story of the “Gerasene Demoniac in an abbreviated and sensitive way that children can understand.

This biblical account, found in the book of Mark, goes thusly:

….He [Jesus] got out of the boat, immediately a man from the tombs with an unclean spirit met Him, 3 and he had his dwelling among the tombs. And no one was able to bind him anymore, even with a chain; 4 because he had often been bound with shackles and chains, and the chains had been torn apart by him and the shackles broken in pieces, and no one was strong enough to subdue him. 5 Constantly, night and day, he was screaming among the tombs and in the mountains, and gashing himself with stones. 6 Seeing Jesus from a distance, he ran up and bowed down before Him; 7 and shouting with a loud voice, he said, “What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God, do not torment me!” 8 For He had been saying to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” 9 And He was asking him, “What is your name?” And he said to Him, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” 10 And he began to implore Him earnestly not to send them out of the country. 11 Now there was a large herd of swine feeding nearby on the mountain.12 The demons implored Him, saying, “Send us into the swine so that we may enter them.” 13 Jesus gave them permission. And coming out, the unclean spirits entered the swine; and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea, about two thousand of them; and they were drowned in the sea.

Each sermon includies a number of children’s activities – word search, decoder, and coloring pages. An low-rez example of the coloring page depicting Christ’s exorcism of the Gerasene demoniac is included below. Note the realistic details, such as gashes in the afflicted man’s side, and the swine drowning in the sea.

oddly arousing. Except for when it blew up.

So, this Buffalo, NY traffic cop pulls this guy over for running a red light, and looking in the dude’s trunk he discovers a cat in a cage. The cat’s fur is soaked in oil, salt, and mixed hot peppers. The guy claims he’s marinating the cat in preparation for cooking him.

Naturally, the cops confiscated the hapless cat and charged his previous owner with cruelty. I won’t quibble too much about this, but after having encountered innumerable feral barn cats with anemic offspring being devoured by fleas as well as abandoned cats out in the snow trying to make a living on chicken bones and pizza crust, I tend to question just how cruel hitting one of the buggers over the head and cooking it really is. Especially when viewed in contrast to milk-fed veal, and geese with their feet nailed to the floor for purposes of nurturing preternaturally large foie gras through forced feeding.

What gets me, though, is how the guy had the cat marinating, alive, in its fur. That’s retarded – that’s like a Looney Tunes episode where the Tasmanian Devil is gonna cook Bugs Bunny and is salting him while Bugs is still alive and alert. Or when Porky gives every indication that he intends to cook and serve Bugs to Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall with the viscera still inside the long-eared galoot.

Well, our cat connoisseur doesn’t look like the brightest star in the universe (see right), and I like the cat’s looks better than his (see upper left), so all’s well that ends well. We’d best leave the cats alone until post nuclear apocalypse.

Here’s a link to the original article and video. The cat has a new home, now.

Some of the most creative mutilations I’ve ever seen.

“Chainsaw Maid”

I have to say that i was a little surprised, if not actually shocked, that so many of my Fellow Fingers expressed such a lack of enthusiasm for the Glory of the Burger. I feel kind of weird about it. Like thinking everyone in the family liked Gunsmoke, and then discovering upon bringing a complete boxed-set of classic Gunsmoke episodes to a family get together, half of the family thinks James Arness was a turd.

It’s meat! What’s not to like?

Ok, maybe you want more veg. I am here to serve you! More veg! In fact it’s actually a salad!

Fellow Fingers I bring to you the Cheeseburger Salad! (bacon bits optional)

A website dedicated to things you don’t want to put in your mouth.

Previously, the grossest thing I’ve seen on BF is Zimmern’s consumption of a still-beating frog heart; this new episode, filmed in Western Thailand, surpasses the frog heart grossness by several orders of magnitude. In a “timeless  ”comfort food” ritual, they slaughtered a raw cow, and set to eating it. Loops of intestines laying around, lots of gore, and everyone chowing down on it.  Real caveman appeal; it was Quest For Fire minus  Rae Dawn Chong. I’ll get back to this momentarily.

There were four peaks of vileness, each closely following the other, each increasingly vile–

1.) One middle class family (“even by western standards,” Zimmern said) was followed as they prepared their version of  comfort food.  The appetizer was assorted fried insects, among them dung beetles gathered laboriously from piles of cowshit in an earlier segment. Roast ‘em, crunch ‘em down. Keep in mind that dung beetles eat SHIT. Which means that he who eats the roasted dung beetle eats the roasted shit that is part and parcel of their insides.

This was followed by grilled rats, and rat stir-fry. And they DO NOT remove the viscera in cooking. They chop up the rat– tail, head, brain, bones, organs, intestines and their contents–and make a stir fry out of it.

2.) Back to the raw-cow feast. One of the old-timers chopped the stomach open, began to eat the partially digested grass out of it, and offered some to Andrew (who declined).

3.) Then the same old fart got together with a few other old dudes and started preparing a “sauce.” Hot chili pepper, lemon grass, salt.  Sliced open the gallbladder and poured all the bile in the mixture.  Then they all started to chow down on it.

4.) Now if that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out the old timer with a taste for cow-stomach contents and bile added another “secret ingredient” to the “sauce.” Follows a clip of him with a big old loop of intestine, squeezing and working it along so the juice from it went into the sauce bowl.

Okay. “Cultural relativism” fails me here. This was a sauce of  cow bile and SHIT SQUEEZIN’S juiced from the raw bowels by Pruneface Shiteater.  MOTHER-FUCKING SHIT JUICE. It makes me want to scream.  WHO THE FUCK EATS FUCKING SHIT JUICE SAUCE?!

This is not a cultural thing. This is kind of stuff dogs and retarded apes eat. Every time I think I’ve seen the vilest that Homo sapiens has to offer, something like this comes along. I almost wonder if it isn’t put on. I would dearly love to believe that, but I have the sinking filling that shit juice is nummies among at least a few people in Western Thailand.

One is a photoslop, and one is the real thing. You decide which is which.