A friend send this to me. Hoooooly shit, did I laugh.

So this brown cow and this brown chicken fall in love. One day, out behind the barn, they’re having hot animal sex. The farmer walks by, and what do you think he says? I’ll tell you what he says. He says:

“Brown-chicken-brown-cow”

Give a little hip thrust and say the punch line out loud if you need to.

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, “How can I help you?”

The farmer said, “I wanna to get one of them dayvorces.”

(more…)

Remember that robot dog-thing that Dirt posted a while back? Well it seems there’s a beta version out. They’ve anthropomorphized it, and added twin caloric motors, as well as a haptic processing and sensory system.

They still haven’t been able to get rid of the RER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER noise though.

Got this from my buddy SickFinger

Two cricket teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Wales. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered…
‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!’

Q: Why aren’t cowboys circumcized?

A: So they have someplace to keep their Skoal when they’re eating.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Time to break out the tomfoolery and hijinks. But it turns out there’s an historical precedent for practical joking dating all the way back to the 1500s.

However, it seems that one man on this list took it to an art form.
That man is William Horace de Vere Cole(that’s him on the right).

Among his greatest pranks were:

• * Posing as the interpreter for the Emperor of Abyssinia and his delegation, who were really his friends in turbans and blackface (including Virginia Woolf). He informed the British Navy that the Emperor wanted to tour the new warship the HMS Dreadnought. They were given the full pomp and circumstance treatment with a tour and offers of lunch (which he declined for them, for fear of getting found out). He got away with it, but the prank was later revealed. When the real Emperor of Abyssinia asked for a tour of the HMS Dreadnought some time later, he was refused.
• * When he was a student at Cambridge he took the opportunity of a well publicized trip by the Sultan of Zanzibar to pose at the Sultan and was wined and dined by his own university.
• * He challenged a Member of Parliament to a footrace. Before the race began, he slipped his gold watch into the MP’s pocket. When the race began, he fell behind and shouted “STOP! THIEF!” and had the MP arrested for pickpocketing.
• * He gave away tickets to a play to bald men. When the lights came up, it was apparent from the balcony that he had arranged the seats so the men’s heads spelled out an expletive (I cannot find the actual expletive used, but apparently it had an i in it, as he took the time to dot it.)
• * On the evening before April Fools Day in 1919 he spread horse manure on the Piazza di San Marco. The Piazza is an island in Venice with no horses.
• * He once hosted a party where all the men he invited had last names with some variant of the word bottom (ie, Winterbottom, Ramsbottom, Boddam-Wetham), and waited to show up until the men figured it out.
• * He drove a taxi with a dummy of a nude woman. While passing a policeman he stopped, opened the door and banged the dummy’s head on the ground and shouted, “ungrateful hussy!” then drove off
• * He would hang a cow udder out his trousers and walk about town. When people would notice, he’d cut it off with scissors.
• * He posed as Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald. He then arranged for the real PM to get lost in a cab while Cole gave a speech to the Labour party, scolding them to work for less money.
• * He’d ask a stranger to hold a piece of string on one end for him. Then he’d go around the corner and ask another stranger to hold the other end, then he’d walk away.

I challenge anyone to pull off a stunt nearly as awesome as this man.

So these two guys, let’s call them Digit and Stink, have been camping together for a week and a half, and they’re kind of tired of hanging out with each other. So they decide to take a day off from one another and go hiking in different directions.

When they meet back up at the end of the day, Digit asks Stink, “how was your day?”

Stink is in a peaceful, content mood. “I found a nice glen, and ate my lunch with nature. Halfway through the meal, a family of deer approached me and didn’t act scared at all. The hung out nearby while I ate and soaked up the sun. Afterwards, I found a wonderful swimming hole, and went skinny dipping. When I was done with that, I took a nap in the shade and woke up with plenty of time to take the scenic way back to camp.

“How about you?”

Digit has been hopping up and down, obviously very excited to tell stink about his day.

Taking a deep breath, Digit reveals the details of his day.

“I walked for about twenty minutes before finding this chick with a super hot body tied to the train tracks. I took her off of the tracks and we had sex all day long. I had her missionary, doggie style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl and almost every other position you’ve ever heard of. Oh man… It was great!”

Stink, always curious, asks, “how was the blowjob action?”

Digit replies, “I dunno, I couldn’t find her head.”