DO IT!!

When my critics find a message about the assassination of a prime minister encrypted in Moby Dick, I’ll believe them.

The answer to Drosnin’s challenge came in the form of the following page, which discloses that Herman Melville’s classic Moby Dick not only predicts the assassination of Indira Ghandi, Prime Minister of India, but also the Kennedy assassinations, and more.

Mind you, this hasn’t hurt Drosnin’s book sales in the slightest, because many people are retarded.

But damn it, he’s a great author!

Here’s a little snippet from an interview he did in 1980 about being called a science fiction writer:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Also, the mitigate the risk of The Fist falling under the gaze of the great Harlan himself, I’d like to go on record stating that you should buy his books.

I think it’s the glasses plus the Donahue Hairdo, with just a suggestion of grease therein that makes the look.  The mock turtle helps, as well. And he’s got that flared nostril, fart-smellin’ sort of look on his face to complete the image.

Speaking of farts and SF symposia, I sampled many  varieties of butt-gas in those halcyon days. It was a distinguishing characteristic of cons; kind of a generalized farty-assy smell blended with musty pulp paperback and stale coffee. I think it was mostly the work of the 13-something set, dropping sliders as they schlupped around the hotel.

See, it seems that the good people over at Conservapedia, the dipping pool for all things right wing and loony, think that the Bible, particularly the King James Bible, is just too darn liberal!

So they’ve decided to retranslate the Bible into something a little more suitable for a Tea Party.  Here are their guidelines for the retranslation:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level^[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;^[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;^[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

Number 9 is my favorite.  They want to highlight open-mindedness, while maintaining guideline numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 10.  Also, according to number 3, they don’t want to dumb the Bible down, but they can’t wrap their heads around unisex pronouns as well as the words “peace”, “miracle”, “cast lots” and “enroll.”  It’s also confusing when the Bible uses Jewy names for god.

This is asshattery laid bare.  I mean, think about how many times you, I and others have argued with Biblical Literalists and we’ve used the argument that the Bible has been translated, retranslated and mistranslated so many times over the years that its true meaning has been lost.  Well, here’s a group that have explicitly said, “We don’t like what any other translation says, so we’re going to make our own to suit OUR world view.”  And they have, right there, swept away any validity we have to the argument that the Bible is poorly translated.  THEY DON’T CARE!!

On the plus side, we know automatically that anyone quoting from this new Conservabible is a jackass and can neither be taken seriously nor see reason in front of their eyes.

It came to me this morning. The King James Version speaks, in nine different scriptures, of a certain animal: the Unicorn. There has been a great deal of controversy about this, and apologists have put forth various arguments “in defense of the unicorn.” Here’s one, in case you’re interested.

Anyway, I decided to take one of these scriptures, and compare the original King James translation to a host of other biblical versions–

Numbers 23:22

(King James Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.

(New King James Version)
God brings them out of Egypt; He has strength like a wild ox.

(21st Century King James Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; he hath, as it were, the strength of a unicorn.

(New International Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox.

(New Living Translation)
God brought them out of Egypt; for them he is as strong as a wild ox.

(English Standard Version)
God brings them out of Egypt and is for them like the horns of the wild ox.

(Contemporary English Version)
With the strength of a wild ox, God led Israel out of Egypt

(New Century Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; they are as strong as a wild ox.

(American Standard Version)
God bringeth them forth out of Egypt; He hath as it were the strength of the wild-ox.

(Darby Translation)
God brought him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a buffalo.

(Holman Christian Standard Bible)
God brought them out of Egypt; He is like the horns of a wild ox for them.

(New International Reader’s Version)
God brought them out of Egypt. They are as strong as a wild ox.

(New International Version – UK)
God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox.

(Today’s New International Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox.

Pastor Marc. Doesn't he look saintly? I bet he smells like Jesus.

CANTON, N.C. (October 13, 2009)—The Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C. will celebrate Halloween by burning Bibles that aren’t the King James Version, as well as music and books and anything else Pastor Marc Grizzard (right) says is a satanic influence.

Among the authors whose books Grizzard plans to burn are well known ministers Rick Warren and Billy Graham because he says they have occasionally used Bibles other than the King James Version, which is the sole biblical source he considers infallible.

According to the church’s Web site, members will also burn “Satan’s music such as country, rap, rock, pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel, contemporary Christian, jazz, soul (and) oldies…

Read more, or Visit the Church Website. (Scroll down to see the announcement for the book burning.)

Oh how right they were, but for very different reasons.  Kirk Cameron and his wacky mentor, Ray Comfort are the duo who gave us the “Banana’s are the perfect fruit, ergo proof of god’s existence” video which was quickly and roundly debunked when it was pointed out that the common banana is the result of centuries of cultivation by humans.

Well, they’re back to their old tricks again.  This time they’re going to be distributing hundreds of copies of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species with a 50 page introduction by Ray.

Y’know, it’s always struck me as myopic they way they attack Charles Darwin because he was the progenitor of an idea.  In the decades and decades since Darwin there have been exponential leaps in the knowledge accumulated in the pursuit of understanding evolution.  But they keep harping on Darwin.  That would be like decrying Isaac Newton for noticing things tend to move or not move according to specific laws, but ignoring Einstein, Hawking, Feynman, Tyson, Kaku, et al.  “This modern music rots kids’ brains, and I blame Muddy Waters!”  Stupid stupid!!

Anyway, here’s the video they’ve released promoting their “I Hate Thinking” party:

Click here to view the embedded video.

And here we have a refutation by once SEXY Eastern European woman.  What is it about a hot woman with brains and wit that makes a tee-pee in my pants?  Throw in a thick Slavic accent and it’s noon.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Credit goes to LttleFinger for this one!

“You mean, if I want to succeed at life, I need to want it and work at it?  Well shit!  Goodbye Doritos and Xbox!  I want to be a squid breeder!”

Well, scoff no more.  Here’s a tale where The Secret actually saved someone’s life, as posted on Amazon.com’s book review page:

Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be [...] raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness actually made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

So, if you liked the semen cookbook below, you’ll LOVE the Testicle Cookbook.  OK, probably not.  Wait, what am I saying?  If you liked the semen cookbook, you’re fucking insane and would probably eat subway tokens out of a grease trap.

Anyway, here’s the Testicle Cookbook:

Just because Native Americans used every part of the animal doesn’t mean they ATE the balls!!  I’m pretty sure they would just put them under their loin cloths to impress the ladies.

Hit the jump for images of ball skinning and ball pizza.  Those with sensitive stomachs may want to point your mouth away from the keyboard.

Former MTV executive Terrance Dean better watch his six: he’s bringing out the claws on an industry used to fists and guns next month with his book Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry – From Music to Hollywood.

“Hiding In Hip-Hop” uncovers a hidden and well-known unspoken secret. Deep within the confines of Hip-Hop is a prominent gay sub-culture. A world that industry insiders are keenly aware of, but choose to ignore.

According to Dean, “This book is filled with intrigue, sexy celebrity bed partners, abundance of drugs, and of course, the down low/gay men and celebrities in the entertainment industry.

This puts a different perspective on the fact that Kanye West, who has long been donged by gay rumors, just a few days ago called off his engagement to longtime girlfriend Alexis Phifer (they were together since 2002). The bitch even asked for the ring back. Maybe girl wants it for himself.

Hrrm…was it a showmance? Is he perhaps ready to come out of the closet before he’s shoved out? Kanye is constantly talking about accepting “our gay brothers and sisters”…

The book pages flutter onto the shelves May 13th.

Source.

P.S. Stink’s recent picture was pretty telling, no?

Now, first off, Harlan Ellison is the only person in the fucking UNIVERSE who can out-talk Robin Williams to the point that Robin seems sedate and boring by comparison.

But more importantly, it’s absolutely fascinating to hear about the origin of Scientology. It was a goof! A bunch of pulp authors getting together to get wasted and trade stories results in the wackiest of the wacky religions, care of L. Ron Hubbard, money hungry pulp novelist.

The image below, of the demon “Diable,” is from J.A.S. Collin de Plancy’s Dictionnaire Infernal (1863) (Demonographia).

The demon “Belzebuth” after the jump–

Italy’s highest appeal court has ruled that married Italian women who commit adultery are entitled to lie about it to protect their honour.

The court gave its landmark ruling after hearing the case of a 48-year-old woman, convicted of giving false testimony to police by denying she had lent her mobile phone to her lover.

The appeal court did not agree that she had broken the law.

It said bending the truth was justified to conceal extra-marital relationships.

Read rest of the story here (which includes another wacky ruling from the same court in 1999).

I don’t think I ever saw this version of the movie (and it’s royal crrrrrap from what RT tells me–oh, Demi, you have a way of doing that to a film, dontcha?), but I always love a good reason to post a sexa-riffic picture of Gar; he’s good for the eyes and the loins.

Le sigh.

Silly aside after the break if you want to read it…

…when reading this book in my College English class at the beginning of 10th grade, we were each randomly assigned chapters to cover and then lead the class in the next day’s discussion; I received said “Market-Place” chapter. Instead of the typical, tiresome summary, I abruptly stamped atop by desk and intoned an impassioned speech as Hester turning “pillory” into soap-box, daring my classmates to stare at my marked chest (I’d worn a red blouse for the occasion). Suffice it to say, my audience was stunned silent when I was finished, save for my teacher who burst out of her seat in uproarious praise and applause. Everyone was pissed because we were being graded against each other and I had just blown their loads on the second chapter of the book.

I’d always been done well in class, but it was after that I think the nickname “SchoolGirl” started with relentless fervor (well, whatever, fuckers–”I’m in your grade books, ruining your curve!”; same goes for the staring at my boobs, which I’d basically just invited (and which had just filled out over the summer from freshman to sophomore year). The other nickname was “Juggs” or various plays on that.

Perhaps all of this goes to explain why I’m a naughty little vixen. And too bad high school never matters unless you write it into a crap getting-even story like King did with Carrie, non?

Via MrBobFisherFinger

Via MrBobFisherFinger

[J.K.] was asked if Dumbledore found ‘true love’. ‘Dumbledore is gay,’ she said, adding he was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago. The audience gasped, then applauded. ‘I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy,’ she said.

‘Falling in love can blind us to an extent,’ she added, saying Dumbledore was ‘horribly, terribly let down’ and his love for Grindelwald was his ‘great tragedy’. ‘Oh, my god,’ Rowling, 42, concluded with a laugh, ‘the fan fiction’.

While I’ve got no problem with this revelation about Albus’ sexuality (I couldn’t give two shits either way–he’s still in charge of bad assery)…I am left with one question: doesn’t this make him a fairy now, not a wizard?

San Antonio Express and News August 17, 1969

And, in a related story:

Brady Bunch’ Star’s Book Won’t Contain Lesbian Section

Publishers at Harper Entertainment have rushed to slam reports former “The Brady Bunch” star Maureen McCormick plans to tell all about a lesbian fling with her on-screen sister.

Insiders at the company insist stories suggesting TV’s Marcia Brady will come clean about a romance she had with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her sister Jan on the hit show, are pure fiction.

A HarperEntertainment spokesman says, “This was just a wild Internet rumor. The book has not been written yet.” (source)

“Uttering lines that send liberals into paroxysms of rage, otherwise known as ‘citing facts,’ is the spice of life. When I see the hot spittle flying from their mouths and the veins bulging and pulsing above their eyes, well, that’s when I feel truly alive.”

1.) Attention whore.

2.) No flying spittle, no paroxysms of rage, no bulging veins here.

3.) Whore.

The complete archive of renowned American science-fiction writer Robert Heinlein will be made available online, thanks to an unusual partnership of the University of California-Santa Cruz and the Heinlein Prize Trust.

Heinlein, who lived in Santa Cruz for two decades, was one of the grand masters of science fiction. He became a pop icon in the 1960s with the publication of “Stranger In A Strange Land,” one of the most successful science-fiction novels ever published. He died in 1988.

The entire contents of the Robert A. and Virginia Heinlein Archive – housed in the UC-Santa Cruz Library’s Special Collections since 1968 – have been scanned in an effort to preserve the contents digitally while making the collection easily available to both academics and the general public. The digitization project was the brainchild of Art Dula, director of the Heinlein Prize Trust.

The first collection released includes 106,000 pages, consisting of Heinlein’s complete manuscripts – including files of all his published works, notes, research, early drafts and edits of manuscripts. The documents offer a window into Heinlein’s creative process and provide background and context for his work.

Other collections soon to be added to the online archive will feature Robert and Virginia Heinlein’s business and personal correspondence, scrapbooks, photo albums, and unpublished works, including communications with Heinlein’s editor and agent.

Winner of the 2005 Bestseller Awards, Philosophy Category, The Book Standard

Cloth | 2005 | $9.95 / £5.95
80 pp. | 4 x 6

1.) A semi-pedantic treatment of the subject, in search of a general theory of bullshit.

2.) Makes a good coffee table book.

3.) A thoughtful gift for the wanker(s) in your life.

Dark was the night as pitch, aye dark as coal,
And through the window she put out her hole.
And Absalom no better felt nor worse,
But with his mouth he kissed her naked arse
Right greedily, before he knew of this.
Aback he leapt- it seemed somehow amiss,
For well he knew a woman has no beard;
He’d felt a thing all rough and longish haired,
And said, “Oh fie, alas! What did I do?”
“Teehee!” she laughed, and clapped the window to;
And Absalom went forth a sorry pace.
“A beard! A beard!” cried clever Nicholas,
“Now by God’s corpus, this goes fair and well!”
This hapless Absalom, he heard that yell,
And on his lip, for anger, he did bite;
And to himself he said, “I will requite!”
Who vigorously rubbed and scrubbed his lips
With dust, with sand, with straw, with cloth, with chips,

This Nicholas had risen for a piss,
And thought that it would carry on the jape
To have his arse kissed by this jack-a-nape.
And so he opened window hastily,
And put his arse out thereat, quietly,
Over the buttocks, showing the whole bum;
And thereto said this clerk, this Absalom,
“O speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art.”
This Nicholas just then let fly a fart
As loud as it had been a thunder-clap,
And well-nigh blinded Absalom, poor chap;
But he was ready with his iron hot
And Nicholas right in the arse he got.
Off went the skin a hand’s-breadth broad, about,
The coulter burned his bottom so, throughout,

Etching, aquatint, by Elizabeth Frink (no relation to Professor Frink)

2.) The first is The Day My Butt Went Psycho, and the third is Butt Wars: The Final Conflict. You may read sample chapters at the website.

3.) I would have wanted these when I was a kid, butt they would have been forbidden to me by my ultra-religious mother, who thinks it’s scandalous that her grandkids use the word “fart.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

This had the ThumbStore staff in tears from laughing.

From Xbiz.com

SAN ANTONIO — A group of atheists at the University of Texas at San Antonio is putting a novel twist on the toys-for-guns programs run by many urban police departments. But instead of toys, they are handing out porn in exchange for bibles.

I suspect his finding Christ might be an mock epiphany experienced in the throes of a crack-withdrawal delirium, but whatever – that’s an old story in the annals of modern Americans, who typically ricochet from one extreme to another.

It also could be taken as a testimonial of what growing up in a place like Bakersfield, California, can do to a person.

“…is the amazing true story of an out-of-control rock star, his devastating addiction to drugs, and his miraculous redemption through Jesus Christ. Written by Brian “Head” Welch.”

Oh, those halcyon days…

Joe passed away at a ripe old age just about a month ago (rest his soul, if any) and now I’m kicking myself. Kicking myself because in my early 30s I went to visit him, and he offered to sell me the entire collection for fifty cents a copy. This was before the advent of the Internet, but had I known what the future might have held (a cool website with scans of hundreds of dirty book covers and a shopping cart), I would have purchased the whole collection at twice his asking price.

I actually remember paging through these two, one lawn-mowing day:

For your viewing pleasure, here are a few more I found scattered around the Web (click your mouse to enlarge)

1. Most teenagers rebell by driving their cars too fast or drinking beers at the lake.

2. David Hahn rebelled by recklessly building a primitive breeder reactor in a backyard gardening shed.

3. Which isn’t as impressive or complex as it sounds at first.

1. Every Halloween, in an event called “The Run,” teenage boys attempt to kill the “October Boy,” a pumpkin-headed manthing that we come to find out is actually a reincarnation of The Run’s winner from the year before who is murdered in a cornfield so he can become the next October Boy and somehow this all keeps the townfolk from escaping the evil town itself, etc. etc.

2. So, yeah, it’s like a really bad Stephen King novel (if that’s not redundant).

3. If you’re wondering, sometimes I like to play a little game called “Torture myself by picking out and reading a completely arbitrary book from the library.”

1. Re-evaluate your need to become famous or brush shoulders with someone famous by reading about kids plying the talent circuit, the lives of celebrity assistants and the weird world of overobsessed fans.

2. There really is a link between lab monkeys, evolutionary success and US Weekly.

3. The layout of this book sucks.

1. With plenty of dry physical descriptions of the 4th Dynasty’s architectural projects accompanied by some brief fictional imaginings by Hawass this book somehow reduces the awesomeness of Egyptian history to measurements of assorted temples.

2. A more comprehensive set of images, genealogical charts for the complex royal families and a historical timeline would really help Hawass’s writing come to life but don’t expect more than a handful of standard pyramid pictures here.

3. A few things I did learn: the pyramids weren’t built by slaves and the Egyptians carved nipples on their statues.

1. In our overly cautious nation it’s nice to read a book that takes a long, hard stroll across the back of politcal correctness.

2. Topics inculde “Why do drug dealers still live with their moms?” “How is the KKK like a group of real estate agents?” and “What makes a perfect parent?”

3. Minus a point for the egomaniacal back-patting between chapters, but still should be required reading for every Finger.

Dailylit.com

1. If you’re too old for Harry Potter books and you need a big, fat, dense book about two magicians reviving English Magic in the early 19th century then this is it.

2. The footnotes alone can kill you as some of them fill up multiple pages in the smallest font you’re likely to see for awhile.

3. But stick with it because the author has such a Dickinsonian attention to period detail that the story about two magicians battling an insane fairy, Napoleonic troops and ultimately each other really comes to life.

His Blog
Wikipedia

Mostly I just wanted to put this fabulous picture of four sorority girls drinking Mad Dog 20/20 up. I’d like to pursue this as a fetish but pictures of sorority girls drinking MD 20/20 are kind of hard to come by, which is strange because I know they drink crappy alcohol 7 days a week in those houses. More pictures here.

I know this because I read Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities last week. It was a pretty shitty book actually. It didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know and the day-to-day adventures of the four sorority girls were kinda lame. But it didn’t diminish the fetish notion of a drug and alcohol-addled, sex-crazed, anti-academic sorority girl one bit. Thank goodness.

In less than 24 hours I read Chasing the Dead. It’s a short book so it’s easy to tear through. It’s about – well, I won’t spoil it for you. Let’s just say it’s a thriller/horror/mystery story. I enjoyed it. Some aspects of the story didn’t pan out but overall, Middle approved.