Go vote for Neil Gaiman. Give him a hundred.

DO IT!!

For the truly Geek Mormon in your family…

In the June 9, 1997 issue of Newsweek, Michael Drosnin, author of the controversial The Bible Code made the following challenge:

When my critics find a message about the assassination of a prime minister encrypted in Moby Dick, I’ll believe them.

The answer to Drosnin’s challenge came in the form of the following page, which discloses that Herman Melville’s classic Moby Dick not only predicts the assassination of Indira Ghandi, Prime Minister of India, but also the Kennedy assassinations, and more.

Mind you, this hasn’t hurt Drosnin’s book sales in the slightest, because many people are retarded.

I have this bizarre fascination with the dick author, Harlan Ellison.  He’s cocky, he’s rude, he’s hot tempered, he’s litigious, he’s thin skinned and he’s got a hair trigger.

But damn it, he’s a great author!

Here’s a little snippet from an interview he did in 1980 about being called a science fiction writer:

Also, the mitigate the risk of The Fist falling under the gaze of the great Harlan himself, I’d like to go on record stating that you should buy his books.

Blast from the past: Harlan Ellison: author, litigious curmudgeon, über-nerd, 1982. I was frequenting cons when 90% of the attendees looked like this. Via Pip R. Lagenta’s photostream.

I think it’s the glasses plus the Donahue Hairdo, with just a suggestion of grease therein that makes the look.  The mock turtle helps, as well. And he’s got that flared nostril, fart-smellin’ sort of look on his face to complete the image.

Speaking of farts and SF symposia, I sampled many  varieties of butt-gas in those halcyon days. It was a distinguishing characteristic of cons; kind of a generalized farty-assy smell blended with musty pulp paperback and stale coffee. I think it was mostly the work of the 13-something set, dropping sliders as they schlupped around the hotel.

All this talk of the Bible, and Bible burnings and all that and things of this nature and what not, reminded me of the Conservative Bible Project.

See, it seems that the good people over at Conservapedia, the dipping pool for all things right wing and loony, think that the Bible, particularly the King James Bible, is just too darn liberal!

So they’ve decided to retranslate the Bible into something a little more suitable for a Tea Party.  Here are their guidelines for the retranslation:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level^[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;^[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;^[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

Number 9 is my favorite.  They want to highlight open-mindedness, while maintaining guideline numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 10.  Also, according to number 3, they don’t want to dumb the Bible down, but they can’t wrap their heads around unisex pronouns as well as the words “peace”, “miracle”, “cast lots” and “enroll.”  It’s also confusing when the Bible uses Jewy names for god.

This is asshattery laid bare.  I mean, think about how many times you, I and others have argued with Biblical Literalists and we’ve used the argument that the Bible has been translated, retranslated and mistranslated so many times over the years that its true meaning has been lost.  Well, here’s a group that have explicitly said, “We don’t like what any other translation says, so we’re going to make our own to suit OUR world view.”  And they have, right there, swept away any validity we have to the argument that the Bible is poorly translated.  THEY DON’T CARE!!

On the plus side, we know automatically that anyone quoting from this new Conservabible is a jackass and can neither be taken seriously nor see reason in front of their eyes.

Something tugged at the back of my mind last night as I posted about the Pastor of the Baptist church in N.C. who has mandated that his flock will on Halloween will burn (among other things) all “heretical” versions of the Bible (all but the King James Version, which he holds is the only “true” version).

It came to me this morning. The King James Version speaks, in nine different scriptures, of a certain animal: the Unicorn. There has been a great deal of controversy about this, and apologists have put forth various arguments “in defense of the unicorn.” Here’s one, in case you’re interested.

Anyway, I decided to take one of these scriptures, and compare the original King James translation to a host of other biblical versions–

Numbers 23:22

(King James Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.

(New King James Version)
God brings them out of Egypt; He has strength like a wild ox.

(21st Century King James Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; he hath, as it were, the strength of a unicorn.

(New International Version)
God brought them out of Egypt; they have the strength of a wild ox.

(more…)

Pastor Marc. Doesn't he look saintly? I bet he smells like Jesus.

CANTON, N.C. (October 13, 2009)—The Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C. will celebrate Halloween by burning Bibles that aren’t the King James Version, as well as music and books and anything else Pastor Marc Grizzard (right) says is a satanic influence.

Among the authors whose books Grizzard plans to burn are well known ministers Rick Warren and Billy Graham because he says they have occasionally used Bibles other than the King James Version, which is the sole biblical source he considers infallible.

According to the church’s Web site, members will also burn “Satan’s music such as country, rap, rock, pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel, contemporary Christian, jazz, soul (and) oldies…

Read more, or Visit the Church Website. (Scroll down to see the announcement for the book burning.)