Spam Love IV
Time for another installation of Russian Spam Server Girlfriend! During this exchange, which spanned a month or more, I assumed the personality of Gary, a bodybuilder prone to steroid-induced bouts of rage. Due to certain decisions Gary eventually makes, “Mary” stopped responding all together.
Subject: How are you?sweet!How are you?
Wow! You are an exquisite looking man. So stunning. You captured my attention. But then I imagine you have that affect on all women. Would you be interested in corresponding? If you would like to know more about me, please reply to my email. Sincerely, Mary
Subject: Re: How are you?sweet!How are you?
Thanks for the email.
Why, yes, I am the most exquisite man in the world. In fact, I just took a picture of myself flexing while eating a Powerbar. I’m going to have this picture blown up to twice lifesize and then hung over my fireplace.
Then, I am going to sit before it, sweating.
If you’re into that, email me back.
Hellooo Gary, I am pleased, thank you for contacting me. I hope you
have time to send me some messages and we could to learn each other.
well… Now about me though you already know a little from my profile.
I am 31 years old, my nickname is Mary , but the truth, it only
friends name me so. I was never married I live in a apartment of my
parents. I have good job. I work as the teacher at school. It is very
difficult work, but i like it. Here at work are good collective, I
work with good people. most of them my friends. Tell to me about the
work. Do you like your work? I also like to travel and i like new
different places, but my work does not allow me to travel often. I
have many friends, we spent time together, usually we go to the cafe
to the movie to the concerts, we have many other entertainment. Also I
prefer healthy style of a life. 2-3 times in week I visit the gym (and
sometimes it is less :^) ) I hold my body in the healthy form. And you
have any sports in the life now? Tell to me. I send you my pictures i
hope you like. Also i want that you send to me some your pictures. And
tell about you about your interesting things what you like to do, your
hobby, what your character? I hope we shall have time for writing
other interesting letters to each other. We shall look what will be…
Write to me, I shall wait your letter. Your friend Mary
Subject: Re: Helloooo
Boy, was I excited to see your email!!!! I did four extra sets of leg curls, 400 sit-ups and an extra hour of abdominal crunches. Then, instead of lunch, I ate a quart bag of vitamins, went into the locker room and screamed, like this “RRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRR!” at my reflection. And all of those positive changes in my life were because of you, Mary.
About my work: my BODY is my work. Also my temple. (Also my warehouse of pharmaceuticals. But don’t tell anyone about that part). What’s not a secret is that I currently hold the record for the world’s biggest biceps. 27.5 inches, baby! That’s right! My arms are as big around as your waist! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FEEL IT!!!
I do have one other hobby besides being the greatest weightlifter on the planent. Sometimes I measure my muscles and record their bigness in a notebook with HE-MAN on the cover. Under the picture of HE-MAN I wrote: PROOF OF MY MUSCLES. That way, if anyone finds me accidentally dead someday there will be a record of work.
Thanks for the pictures. I can see that your body is “in the healthy form.” I think you’re going to need an emergency course of vitamins (and my secret ingredient) plus an EXTREME new work-out schedule if you want to keep up with me. Because right now, if I tried to bench press you, your pelvis would snap like a Slim Jim. It would sound like this: KKKKKKKKKRRRUNNNNSSSSSKKKKTTT
I’m sending a few pictures of myself. This was last month. If you can believe it, I’m now EVEN MORE AWESOME.
Subject: Only truth with you
Hi Gary , I am pleased to receive your reciprocal message. Thanks
for your photos, to me is very pleasant to receive them. My real name
Marina. But girlfriends and relatives my name is Mary.At school I
teach Russian.To my pupils of 10-11 years. They small and very
ridiculous. Gary your mail means for me, that I too was interesting
in me. Do you really like me on picture? well.. in the next letter i
shall send you another my picture. And Gary i have questions and i
would like to ask them in letters, I hope to get your answers OK? It
is important for me to know your opinion on some things. But first I
should be honest with you. Gary , you ask, where I live –
unfortunately i live far from you. Otherwise it was not necessary for
us much e-mail, to learn each other. I live in Russia, in city Orlov .
My city is in the northeast from Moscow. But I think, if we shall
decide to meet, I hope, that it will not be a problem for us. Because
I travelled to other countries much. I traveled as the tourist.
Therefore Gary , you should not have excitement be relative that we
not beside. I am woman, that if I shall like man for a meeting i shall
reach him. Besides in our days it is not a problem to travel. I don’t
worry about it and I can do it, it is possible to have relations with
the person of other part of the world. It is very interesting – other
culture, thinking, traditions i like new places. Probably you Gary
can learn Russian woman. I hope you will not be frightened also we
shall continue our acquaintance? I think you read my profile and could
see that I have serious intentions im looking for serious
relations…. I shall try to tell a little about my character. well..
I think im very romantic woman. I like to communicate with people, it
is pleasant to me i like good humour. Also i very much estimate,
honesty, loyalty, understanding, patience. I believe in love, and I
think it very valuable thing which needs to be protected. I adore, to
hear compliments and is ready to listen indefinitely. For me it is
necessary, that around of me there was a cleanliness, I often do
cleaning. I love a cosiness in the house and I enjoy in the silent
evening of a house. Also i like to cook, various tasty things…. well
also I am always ready to be the most patient. i think i good woman
Probably all women dream to find good man and dream about beautiful
romantic relations. But often such things come to the end very
quickly. In relations should be not only romanticism but a reality
also. I have no intention to spend my time on such relations. While I
have not met such man in my life. But i hope to find such person. I
hope to make family. I think its main thing, not career or other
success. Happy good family and love person are main. Tell me please
what you want in the life? What the woman you dream to meet in the
life? Excuse Gary , that i ask you to discuss such frank thing with
me whom you know couple of days. But it is interesting to me to know
it about you. I shall wait yours e-mail. Yours Mary P.S.I hope you
will not be frightened of me after this letter? You write to me your
next letter? I very much hope and I shall wait very much for your
Subject: Re: Only truth with you
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAARRR MARY R YOU READY TO GET BIG N RIPPED? R YOU READY TO SMASH BRICKS AGAINST YOUR FOREHEAD WHILE I LIFT YOU AND YOUR GRANDMA OFF THE GROUND WITH MY THUMBNAIL WHILE MY BICEPS ARE SCREAMING LIKE INCOMING MISSILES POINTED AT MOSCOW
FUCK YEAH! I CRUSH SHIT!
PATIENCE LOVE ADORATION: FUCK THAT SHIT! MY DICK LIFTS THAT SHIT AND FUCKING THROWS IT IN TARPITS
Subject: Re: Only truth with you
Why didn’t you write me back?
Oh no! It’s starting to come back to me. What have I done (besides 1000 dumbbell presses and heroic mirror snarls)?!?
I wrote you during a “ROID RAGE,” Mary. Have you heard of this? I’m so sorry. I’m like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, except more muscley. I will try and stay under control. I promise. Sometimes, the anger just wells up inside of me and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRRR I SMASH ALL LIKE BUGS
That was just an example, for illustration purposes.
Can we move past this? For the sake of our blossoming friendship?
Please Mary, write me back. I’m sitting here, alone, weeping into my wristbands like a child.
Hi Gary , I am glad to receive again your message.It is very
pleasant for me to receive your letter. I am glad, that you want to
continue acquaintance to me. Every day we shall learn more about each
other and it’s an interesting. I had usual day but i have received
your letter and now my mood became much better, it is really pleasant
for me that you write to me. Thank you for yours some answers to my
questions it helps me to learn more about you and to understand you. I
send you another my pictures. I hope you like me on photos. Gary
tell me more about your family. Do you have many relatives? How often
do you visit each other how often do you gather? I have very good
family. In my family very much close relations. As i already wrote i
live with my mum and daddy. We live in a apartment, there are three
rooms a kitchen a bathroom and a balcony. I have my room. I have loved
mum and loved daddy, i one child in family i always wanted to have the
younger brother or the sister that them to look after. My parents very
good, careful and kind people, they always understood me, and never
brought me. They very much love me, and I even more……. My mum’s
name is Olga, she is very sensual and kind woman. earlier she worked
as the medical doctor but now she does not work. My daddy’s name is
Vladimir. He is strict, but fair man. He works as the carpenter in a
civil engineering firm. The daddy to me has told, that it has a
friend. My daddy has rescued to the friend a life. The daddy does not
wish to recollect it because it is connected with war in Afghanistan
where they together served. I love my family very much we frequently
spend time together. In my private life i have emptiness. I have been
never married, my last boyfriend was almost my age, we were with him
together almost 2 years, but he appeared the rascal, he deceived me
though pretended, that everything is all right, that always with me is
fair. I thought, that he loves me, but there was, that he simply a
fool (excuse for expression), he frequently deceived me he was the
liar, for him friends and were more important than a party. For him
there was no important we relations, and I with him have said goodbye
and not how many I do not regret about it, therefore, now I search for
more serious and sincere really ” adult man for serious relations “.
Among associates of me of people I cannot allocate anybody for serious
relations. In the beginning it seems, that you have met the good
suitable person, but then there is that it not so. Likely therefore I
also use the web service of date. Probably here I can find the person
who will be to love me, appreciate and understand. It is not important
for me his financial situation and work he makes. i hope to find who
appreciate women and who can care of woman. I shall be ready to give
all myself and I think, that the main advantage of the woman is
fidelity and skill… well I shall be brief Gary , write to me about
your ideas of that. I wait your letter. Yours Mary
Subject: Re: Family
Mary! Thank the protein shake gods! I thought that I had scared you away like the kittens that approach me in my dreams and then flee in terror.
You must forgive me for my occasional steroid “episodes.” That person isn’t me. He uses CAPS LOCKS WAY TOO MUCH!!
I am glad you have a sensual Olga and a strict Vladimir. Together they made you, a woman with much potential but utter lack of upper body strength.
I would like to send you a picture of my mother. Her name is Pat. She says that if you ever break my heart she’s going to break you. This one time, she flexed her left deltoid and she killed a burglar!
I hope that we can have “relations” someday, Mary. I say “hope” because, due to my regiment, my penis has shriveled so much that it looks like a raisin. Oh well! It’s not my fault that thing’s not a muscle! 😉
Well, time to GO PUMP SOME IRON WITH MY MOM!!!!!
Subject: A hard day
HI dear Gary , Gary , today I have very intense day on my work.
I found a little time to send you this small message i want to say
that i think of you i always glad to your mails. Now i have a new
theme for reflection, and these new ideas excite me. I do not know,
how you Gary , but for me is important our exchange of messages. I
want to tell i haves new emotions, in my quiet soul. For me it is
unusual to begin relations with the e-mail. That there is a distance
between us pulls my ideas to you. I already for a long time have
understood, that if there are some difficulties to achieve the purpose
– the desire to achieve this the purposes is increasing. Probably it
is one of those things which forces me to reflect frequently about you
Gary . I think I should grasp your heart and you cannot struggle
with this female magic. What will you answer? Dear Gary , i again
want to ask you what is main values in your life: family, work, money
or something another? What do you have plans for the future? Write me
your ideas, i’ll wait your letter. I should go. I shall write to you
later. Yours Mary
Subject: Re: A hard day
Do you know what would be more intense than “new themes for reflection” and “female magic”? Do you know what would be harder than your “hard day”?
A poem about my muscles. I call it “My muscles.”
My muscles get bigger
like the universe
But unlike the universe
THEY CRUSH SHIT
Subject: To my dearest and lovely
Hi my dear, I missed without yours e-mail. Today on work I thought of
you and, it was pleasant for me to know, that there is a person, which
thinks of me too, reads my ideas and writes something for me. And how
you? Gary did you miss me these days? I now read yours e-mail, and it
was interesting to me learn your opinion that I spoke you in my last
message. Our exchange of opinions is interesting to me and I think,
that now I can make some opinion on what your character. If you not
against somehow we could chatter a little by phone . We haven’t phone
in our apartment is and consequently my computer has no input in a
network. Usually i write down the message to you on a diskette, and
then I go with it to the girl familiar to me, she live almost near me,
Her computer have input to the Internet and I send to you my letters
from there. Though I have no phone, I shall try to call to you from a
public telephone booth. Please inform to me your phone number. And I
shall learn as I can call to you. I very much would like to hear your
voice as soon as possible. Dear, I would like to learn, how you like
to spend the free time. I very cheerful person also think out Various
entertainments for itself and the friends. To me to like to help them
make a life interesting. It can be different things: Dances, cinema,
parties or entertainments on the nature. But if to speak frankly in
the last these entertainments give time I have less than pleasure. I
frequently dream of romantic evening with the favourite person, it can
be a supper or simply walk. I think, what in it there is a lot of
charm . You the romantic person?????? Whether you think, sometimes, of
such things? You like cosy evenings with the family? I very much love
holidays when all family gathers, behind one table. It is very cosy
and comfortable for me. And how you like to spend holidays dear? What
for you does makes a cosiness and rest? Tell to me please about it
Gary . Gary , excuse me for a question: whether there is at you now
any woman? I think, that you are good, as the man and To like many
women. Because at me good taste, and you to like me. What your private
life now, Please tell about it. Probably you have to me any frank
questions? I shall answer them. Write to me more in detail about the
feelings and desires, to me to like to read, when you tell about
yourself, I am ready To listen about it. Today i with my girlfriends
plan to have some entertainment. It is a pity, that you is far now. I
think, we could spend perfectly together evening. I hope, we’ll do it
in the future and we’ll can well have fun. I am sure, that it will be
good time for us Gary ! We shall drink easy wine, then to dance, while
our legs can maintain it. And after that we probably shall reach
somewhere else….., and where we’ll make some things. Ideas about it
me beforehand raise. My imagination very much advanced and I can
represent many details of ours appointment. I think it is time to me
to finish this letter, otherwise I shall write a lot of superfluous
and I shall have then confusion before you. I wait yours e-mail, my
lovely. Hugs and kisses!!! My embraces. Yours Mary.
Subject: Re: To my dearest and lovely
I’m not big on “easy” wine or dancing, so how about this: we wake up at 4:30 AM, run the six miles to the gym, work out for five hours, and then inject Synthol into our muscles over a carafe over Monster energy drink! And then, after we lift weights for another eight hours, maybe we’ll have some time to “reach somewhere else….and where we’ll make some things,” to quote your email. I’m envisioning making your thighs the size of trash cans!
What? What’s that? Oh, my bicep wants to talk to you.
RRRRRRR LOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE LOOOK LOOK
I AMMM SO SO MASSSSSIVE SO SWARTHY
I DEMAND TO BE DRY HUMPED
Sounds like fun, bicep! But Mary has a lot of cardio to do before she’s allowed to dry hump ANYTHING! So much for evenings as the cinema and dinners with family, Mary!
Hi my lovely Gary ! I hope you have good day! i wish it to you. Today
I cook food. By the way, dear, what you usually prefers more in food?
What you prefe : sweets, meat, a fish? Inform me it Gary . My parents
and friends very much like a meal which I prepare on kitchen. Who
knows, can once you will try my meal :^) I love many dishes and to
select something particularly at once difficultly (but it is
possible). Since the childhood I love mother’s cutlets with a mashed
potatoes, the stuffed pepper. I love salads such as ” Winter salad ”
is very popular salad in Russia, there are always on any celebrating.
Also I very much love salad “Relish”: tomatoes and cucumbers it is
finely – finely equal to cut. The onions, are better dark blue, too.
In very deep salad dish to spread all over again cucumbers a layer,
then tomatoes, then an onions. Then a brynza to cut fine squares and
from above. To submit separately sauce “Elefaim” is a mayonnaise mixed
with orange juice and something else. Salad can be salted a little
from above, but it is unessential. I very much love salads with fresh
vegetables, I love a chicken – grill and a potato fried, muesli and
every possible nuts, yoghurt a pie and chocolate, ice-cream, bananas
and … Meat – fried, baked, as shashlick (barbecue) and as different
meat delicacies, chops. I love a fish red, white, everyone. In any
kind, but not crude. The society of protection of animals would chain
me to a pillory. (the Joke!:) I love a pizza, all from the puff test
very much I love – both sweet, and unsweet. Still I love a
water-melon, any apples sweet or sour-sweet apples, a strawberry, and
others fruit. And still I adore sweets every possible. But, I always
control myself because from sweet it is possible to collect excess
weight. I love natural juices, and Coca-cola, Pepsi. In general I like
to try new dishes, for example national dishes. Only do not think,
that I the glutton, simply very much was lost in day-dreams (a joke!),
I always hold myself in norm and I do not allow to prevail to the food
instincts over me. Mmmm well i think i must to stop, now I shall give
an opportunity to you By the way, we in russia have proverb: ” the
way to heart of the man – passes through his stomach! ” I was many
times convinced of it when observed of my father. my sweet kisses
Subject: Re: Abilities
Thanks for writing me about all the food you consume. That’s great.
Here’s a picture I made with Photoshop.
This is what we’re going to look like when we’re DOING IT in front of the mirror in my bedroom.
My facial expression will be pretty much the same, but you’ll have to imagine me going “HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNTTTTT” because that’s the sound I’m going to make.
I love you,
Subject: To my dearest and lovely
Hi my dear Gary, I am glad Gary , that in our relations there is a
promotion and we became more close people. I tell often about you to
my parents and friends. They hope, that will get acquainted with you
someday. Gary they insist, that I would acquaint you with them, my
parents are especially. I have told him, that i seriously treat you
Gary , also that you the good person. You know Gary , that parents
always wish children only good and are pleased, when their children
are happy in all. By the way my dad loves fishing and right now he
goes pleased here and speaks, that now he has person, which can be
invited for fishing. I laughed for a long time and i have told to him,
that I do not know, would you like it and that he early is pleased.
And know, what he did answer? he has told, that in the summer he will
make for you good fishing tackle also he will learn you to cook good
fish soup. And did you tell to close people about me? What they have
opinion? inform me please it. You have any plans concerning our
relations? I think, that for us will be very much it is good, if we
can spend some time together. It will be to strengthen our relations
and will help us to learn better each other. Probably the next month
we can meet. For example in Europe or the other place. Understand me
correctly Gary , i cannot yet to invite you here to me. I live at the
parents and for the present not enough I know you for this purpose. We
had only messages and I think, that it is better for us to meet in the
another place. I very much would want to be alone with you, to see you
and a touch to you! Dear so we can make full opinion of us to learn
about many things. Let’s be to discuss it Gary . I wait for your
opinions, I miss you i kiss you. Yours Mary
Subject: Re: Future
HHHHHHRRRR HHHHHHHRRRR HHHHHHHUNNNNNNNNNN
BBBBBKLRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBHBHHHHHHHH YESSS FISHINGG
HUH HUH HHHRRRRHRHRHHRHHHHRHRHRHHHH WITH FAATTHHHHEEEER
THEN BUTTTTTTTT BONGOS ALLLLL NITE
Subject: Good way
Hi my dear Gary , Have good day! I am glad, that my letters pleasant
for you. How do you feel? I ‘m very good! I a little excited, and
yesterday I hardly fell asleep. I was grasped with an idea about our
meeting. It is joyful event for me from i have much emotions. Such as
excitement both the big impatience and expectation of this day . You
have brought the whole sea of emotions in my life Gary , and it is
difficult for me to consult with it, but I can tell, that it
pleasantly and gave me new push and the purpose for life. I think,
lovely, that it is necessary for us to arrange our meeting so that
there were no difficulties and inconveniences in our affairs. I can
arrange on my work, that to have some days free for me. Gary , and
will your work be to allow you to make it? Probably you have the
intense schedule on work also you should be busy. Then we can meet
more close from you or even I could arrive to you for some days. For
me there is no problem to make long travel. If such way more
convenient for you and my arrival not will create inconvenience for
you Gary, let’s choose this plan. It for me even it is more good,
because I can see as you live, your friends, you can show me where you
live and different places loved for you and if sometime you will need
to visit your work. My work not so important also also here can manage
without me, therefore I do not worry about my work. Inform me dear,
the opinions! If it is a good way for you too I shall make
preparations for travel. My hugs and kisses Yours Mary
Subject: Re: Good way
Sorry about the last message (except for the butt bongos, which I still think is a pretty good idea). Sometimes I don’t know how to explain my behavior. If my muscles could talk, maybe they would tell us. My muscles probably wouldn’t be big talkers though. They would probably make pig noises.
If it’s all the same to you, I would like to come and visit you in Russia. That way I can avoid a few criminal charges in the US plus go fishing with your dad. I’ll bring your mom a scented candle so that she knows I’m a nice guy. If it works out I could move in with you and join a Russian circus. What do you say? Please send me your address and information and I’ll buy my tickets right away (I have to buy three: one for my right bicep, one for my left bicep and one for the rest of me – so I have to make plans soon).
P.S. Here’s a picture of me with some weirdlooking bitch whose name I forgot.
Subject: I wish to ask
Gary !!! You are ready to accept me in the house?I want to tell to you
that in the past the message I wanted to check, as far as seriously
you treat me . Forgive for this lovely, but you should understand me.
For me it was very important to know, whether will you agree to accept
me in the the house. If you insisted, that we met somewhere in hotel
or in the other place, – that to me should to think, you don’t want to
invite me at itself because you have somebody or you not is serious
enough to me, and you want to meet me only for fun. I heard, that many
people get acquainted to have only sex with the new person, though in
the profile inform, that have serious intentions. I hope I have not
offended you, I know you understand me.I wait your messages. I adore
you my dear Gary ! My kisses!!!
Subject: Re: I wish to ask
I only have a MINUTE before my plane takes off FOR MOSCOW!
I don’t know why you didn’t respond to my idea, but I decided –CARPE DIEM! — to go ahead and buy plane tickets to come and see you. One of my biceps got an aisle seat! I’m resting the other one on Dave. I think he’s a business man.
I’ll be there soon, Mary! I hope you will be there to meet me.
Then we can have this sex you’re talking about.
Gary the Muscley Sex ANIMAL
Subject: Re: I wish to ask
Hello dear. I am happy to see your letter. I like your idea to visit
Russia. But you me too understand. I have concluded the contract with
agency and the agency now does for me the visa. And I cannot finish
the contract because on me can impose the penalty for default of
conditions of the contract. And business can reach court. I do not
want it. Give we will make on another. I will arrive to you for 1
month and after we together we will go to Russia and you will get
acquainted with my parents. You accept such variant?
Subject: I’m here!!!!
Baby! I made it! I am in Moscow. But I don’t know where to go to find you. I do not speak any Russian. I should have watched more Val Kilmer movies.
I wandered over to the Kremlin and posed for a picture for you. Now I’m at an internet cafe. They said I could sleep here if I give Helga backrubs.
But I cannot sleep, Mary. My muscles have become droopy for want of love. What is your address? Am I close to your house? I am a good walker. I can start walking as soon as I know your address.
Write back soon,
Subject: Where are you?
Why haven’t you written me back?!? I’m still in Moscow, waiting to hear from you.
I made a new friend today. His name is Sergey. He told me that he works in “extermination.” He took me to the Bolshoi Ballet. We had front row seats.
Afterwards me and Sergey drank some wodka near the river and I told him about you. He told me that many emails like the ones you have been sending are fraudulent. But I know he wasn’t talking about OUR relationship. Besides, he said that he would “fix” things for me. Then he got a dark, murderous look in his eyes. He’s my new best friend. He’s even letting me stay at his flat for awhile.
Mary, please email me back! I’m waiting to hear from you. Please send me your contact info so I can find you! Sergey says he can drive me so I don’t have to walk!
Subject: Why are you avoiding me?
Mary. This is getting serious.
My new, super awesome friend Sergey the Exterminator said if you don’t reply soon he might have to “pull some strings.”
I said, “Tampon strings?”
And he said, “Net.”
That Sergey, he’s a funny guy. First tampons, then nets!
But seriously, write me back soon.
Why haven’t I heard from you?
I’m stuck in Moscow and all I have is this bottle of wodka and my ridiculous muscles.
Why, Mary, Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy