Female Cannibal Feast FoB style

So, Thumb got a spammy email a while back from a guy who wanted to be the pig at a luau. He also wanted women to poop in his mouth, among other things. The following is an email exchange between the FoB and Mr. S. I’m going to go ahead and exclude his name and contact info since he might not want it here – a little Google action will lead you to him if you feel like sending him an email. Maybe you can help him out with his request? I’d also like to add that very few things make me uncomfortable, but…well, you’ll see. Needless to say, these exchanges had me raising the white flag in no time.

NSFW WARNING: There are no dirty pictures, just graphic descriptions of fetish-type scenarios you might not want to be caught reading at work. Or while eating a ham sandwich.

Emails after the jump.

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From: Mr. S
Date: June 17, 2011 4:21:14 PM PDT
Subject: Female Cannibal Feast

Dear Event Coordinator:
 
If you desire the unique revenue producing venture, I wish to voluntarily donate myself as the Kalua Longpig for the main entree at the women’s Hawaiian Luau or the Turkey at the Thanksgiving Dinner.
 
I have had this fetish for many years and it may be a fantasy money making video for the Internet or reality. I will sign all legal documents so you know I am aware of what I am getting myself into.
 
I have attached my picture and will tell you where to find the script on Google. My  picture serves 2 purposes –
1. Your guests will know who the evening’s “piece de resistance” looks like on the platter for this ultimate gastronomic feast. The spellbound attendees who brought cameras may take pictures to remember this fantastic event before the climactic moment proceeds with the carving ritual.
2. If you do not want to fulfill my fetish, I wish to be the slave to femdoms in your video. My interests are FACESITTING, FEET WORSHIPING, AND SERVING AS THE FULL SERVICE TOILET for the women to empty their bladders and rectums into my awaiting mouth.   
 
I have performed this scenario with 25 femdoms. Every woman said this is the most unique roleplaying she has ever participated in. I am prepared as the Dinner Guest Of Honor. After I am fatten up, inspected, and shaved, I am basted with my own juices, oil, and spices. I am roasted alive on the rotisserie or alive in the oven. This procedure is located near the banquet area so when the guests arrive they will smell the delicious aroma to stimulate their appetites. The carving crew places me onto the sterling silver carving platter and my golden brown skin, cooked to perfection, is garnished with a honey/pineapple glaze and decorated with fruits. No succulent longpig is complete unless the traditional red apple is stuffed in its mouth. The platter is placed onto the cart and the plump entree is wheeled into the banquet area. The guests were handed slips of paper with my body diagram on it divided into dark and light meat. They gave the slips to their waitresses and were brought to the platformed table where the carvers received them. After given my Last Rites of making the ultimate sacrifice for the dining pleasure of the ravenous guests, the carving ceremony would commence where I would be carved to order by the hostess and hostesses. 
 
I am meat so cooking is only a formality. This is really the best destiny I may hope for since I will be appreciated by some of the most discerning palates in the country. I may be fattened up to 240-250 pounds so there will be plenty of meat to go around so everyone gets their choice cut. If there are any leftovers, I will be placed in doggy bags for the attendees to take home. It is a privilege to be consumed by your 200 friends and if you sell dinner tickets at $100 each, that is $20,000. My penis and testicles will be auctioned off for dessert. This is an enormous amount of revenue for the evening affair.
 
I melt when I see bikini clad women in high heels and wish to spend eternity in their warm bellies. The sexiest part of the woman’s anatomy is her navel.
 
My characteristics are 100% healthy, 185 pounds, 5’10″, blond hair, blue eyes, never married, no children, no drugs, non-drinker, and non-smoker. I received a football scholarship to Michigan State University and earned the Master of Business Administration. My career is as a librarian.
 
I do not think of this as the end of my life but the completion of it. It is an honor to serve womankind and to promote female supremacy. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to the favorable reply.
 
Sincerely,
Mr. S

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From: FoB
To: Mr. S
Date: June 20, 2011
Subject: Re:Female Cannibal Feast

Dear Mr. S,

While I think your missive was erroneously sent to my inbox, I think the mistake might prove to be quite fortunate for both of us!

I am the Events Coordinator for The Holy Mission Bible Camp, located near Chicago, Illinois. Every summer we host hundreds of local kids as they sing Bible songs by the campfire, take canoe excursions and make religious themed craft projects. Though we hold many different camps over the course the summer, the cumulation – the grand finale, if you will – is held the second week of August before the children return to school. All of our camp attendees return to Holy Mission for a final evening of togetherness, BBQ and prayers.

This is where you come in, Mr. S. We struggle every year to finance the end-of-summer BBQ. Usually the kids end up consuming off-brand hot dogs and Shasta. Your desire to be eaten by humans could coincide quite nicely with our goal of giving the kids a cheap, quality meal – our way of saying thanks to the kids and parents of Holy Mission – and, of course, to Jesus.

Here’s what I propose: You arrive at Holy Mission at an agree upon date in August. I will see that you are properly cleansed, both spiritually and physically, deloused and anointed in a dimly-lit shed out behind the counselors’ cabins. Over an open pit, we’ll cook you until you’re properly roasted (let’s shoot for medium well). I’ll carve you up, put you into casserole dishes, cover it all with tin foil and serve you to the children, with a side of broccoli.

Of course, the rub is that the kids can’t know they’re eating a dead person. That would be horrifying for them and I’d probably get in some kind of trouble. So, we’ll have to do all the preparation, cooking and remains disposal in secret. And, I understand that being eaten by a zitty twelve year old Christian isn’t exactly the same as being consumed by a sexy woman in a bikini, I think we can agree that in the end it’s close enough. At the very least, you’re sure to be stuck in a least one girl’s braces when clandestine goodbye kisses take place in the parking lot.

As far as your genitals are concerned, I don’t really feel comfortable feeding those to the children. We do, however, have a camp dog that would be more than happy to take care of that issue.

I look forward to your response.

Yours in Christ,
Chip Norville
Events Coordinator
Holy Mission Bible Camp

PS Maybe we could also work something out on that human toilet thing, as a gift for my grandma.

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From: Mr. S
To: FoB
Date: June 20, 2011
Subject: Re: Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Chip:

First, of all I wish to thank you for replying and for the length of your letter. Second, I also got your letter when you sent it to my other [email] I won’t repeat the letter from that other email address so at least you know that your other letter got to my other email address.

Generally speaking, my reply is favorable because I don’t mind entering the little tummies of the campers and their parents. Everybody needs nourishment. But I have questions and comments. I am mentally sane so I am aware of what I am asking and what I would be getting involved in.

I certify I am not a law enforcement officer and an 100% healthy so why am I being “deloused” before I am cooked?
Does your camp have a website so maybe the girl staff or girl counselors could prepare me?
Could you send me some pictures of the women that are WILLING to prepare and cook me? I don’t mind if you are the one that is the main carver, even though I prefer it to be a woman.
Will women get turned off with me SINCERELY and voluntarily donating myself for the bbq? Since when is a casserole the appropriate dish at a bbq?
Where did I send my letter that it got to your Inbox since I thought I sent it to cannibal email addresses and not camp addresses?

None of my words are Spam and I have had the dream of being consumed by humans since I was 13. Since I would voluntarily donate myself, you would not have to pay for the meat.

Give me the specific details. You said I would be kept in a cabin behind the counselors. How long would I be fattened up for, I currently weight 205?
Would my body be shaved so the children don’t eat hair?
Will women feed and shave me?
Will women bind my hands and feet to the spit or will it be inserted into my anus and forced through my body until it emerges from my mouth?
Or, will I be roasted alive in the oven?
Who is the “we” will roast you over the open pit?
Could a woman stuff the apple in my mouth?
Would I be roasted alive or gutted?
The day before I am cooked, could I lick womens feet and toes and have ONLY women as my fecal donors?

PICTURES WILL BE MANDATORY before I fly from Los Angeles. Will somebody pick me up at O’Hare?
Would I be on the dinner plates of the mommies and daddies?

You are right, there is no difference between being eaten by a zitty 12 year girl and a bikini clad woman. I am not too keen on eating fecal matter of a grandmother unless she is gorgeous. My penis and testicles are rather on the smallish size.

Summary: There are a lot of rough edges to smooth over before I make a committment.

Sincerely,
Mr. S

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From: FoB
To: Mr. S
Date: July 2, 2011
Subject: Re:Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Mr. S,

I’m glad that your reply is favorable! You have a lot of questions, but I think we will get to most of those eventually as we work out the details.

I think that Jesus Christ needs to be more involved in your BBQing. Just saying a blessing over the baked beans is not going to cut it for something of this magnitude. If it would work for you, I could spend a few weeks brainwashing the children. I could teach them that Muslims are the true enemy of Christ. I could tell them I got a top secret message that Muslim terrorists are en route to steal the hot dogs for the end-of-the-summer party. They will become enraged with rage! I will work them into sweaty fevers with all night prayer sessions and Victoria’s Secret catalogs. When I am finished, they will be Warriors of Christ! (This may cut into the Mary Magdalene Sorrow Hanky Craft time but I’ll figure something out).

Then, on the day of the BBQ, you emerge from the woods, wearing a turban and mumbling things in Arabic. You can even wear primitive sandals and one of those curvy sword-things! As you near the camp, I will yell, “Muslim! Attack Formation!” and the children will spring upon you like fleas upon a guinea pig. We will yell “God is Great!” as they stone you to death. You can yell things in Arabic. It doesn’t matter what these things are: I don’t have time to teach the kids Arabic.

Then I will say, “We must eat this Muslim Pig so that his soul does not escape to Muslim heaven to fuck righteous whores.” The children will nod in agreement. (This is before the parents have arrived in their minivans.) Everyone will pour Kool-Aid on you and stuff mini-marshmellows in your ears and nose. Then the kids, still enraged with rage, will tear off pieces of you during a bloody feeding frenzy! They’ll cook up your bits on sticks over the camp fire while singing Kumbaya!

What do you think of the new plan? I think it’s a good one – certainly more theatrical. It gets the cannibal thing into your BBQing a little more PLUS teachs the kids how to cook meat to the proper temperature. I think once we have the general layout of the BBQ in place we can cover the particulars.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours,
Chip

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From: Mr. S
To: FoB
Date: July 2, 2011
Subject: Re: Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Chip

I am STILL entertaining the thought about being the feast for the children. I am in a so-so agreement with your plan.

But I really wish to be roasted alive and the children may watch if you want to let them.

I REALLY wish to have girls or women staff or women counselors prepare me by feeding me, shaving the hair on my body, binding my arms over my head and legs to the spit and then carrying me over to the pit of coals. I don’t mind if you are to carve me. BUT the pain of the coals is more tolerable if I could gaze into the little girls and womens navels knowing that is where I am destined to end up. I could be the Muslim you caught several days before the end of camp and was held captive in the shed so you could turn me over to the police.

The big questions are are girls willing to baste me once the apple is stuffed in my mouth? Are there women staff who would go along with preparing, cooking, carving, and eating me? AND once you get a committment from them, like i said before, I don’t fly to Chicago until I see pictures of the girls/women. Do any of them wear bikinis even though their breasts will be small? Would they mind if ONLY the girls/women squated down onto my face with their tushies and did a poo-poo and pee-pee into my mouth. You could save on toilet paper with my tongue. I could also suck on their little popsicle toes.

Have a nice weekend.
Mr. S

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From: FoB
To: Mr. S
Date: July 3, 2011
Subject: Re:Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Mr. S,

After thinking it over I don’t think the Muslim Attack scenario is a good idea. I’m worried that Holy Mission might inadvertently create a group of elite Muslim Assassins. Imagine what would happen if they were at Hot Topic and saw someone with a healthy tan, assumed the darker skin tone meant the person was Muslim and tore that person into little bits right next to the rack of Slipknot t-shirts! I’m imagining this right now and I’m pretty sure the mall would have to be shut down for an hour or so.

But, not to worry! I have another plan and I think this one is a little more solid.

Around the campfire, after we do shout-outs to Matthew, Luke and John, we like to tell scary stories. I’ll make up a story to tell the kids. It will be called THE MAN-FISH OF LAKE WHATTAJESUS. Lake WhattaJesus is the lake that the kids swim and canoe in. I’ll describe a horrible Man-Fish creature that sometimes rises up from the depths of the lake, lurches onto the beach and tries to snack on the little popsicle toes of campers. I’ll do some sound effects to make it believable. Like, “Rrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaagggaaarrrr.”

Here’s where you come in! The next day, during Boating Safety, you will be swimming around in the lake! I hope you’re a good swimmer. We can drape some seaweed on you and you can wear those weird black contact lenses so that you look like a shark. We can even make you a dorsal fin out of cardboard. Anyway, you’ll climb out of the water making the Sounds of the Man-Fish. Everyone will scream, “It’s the Man-Fish! Run for your lives!”

Except they won’t run. Not these kids. A lot of them are already the victims of urban violence. They’re used to fighting horrible monster things, both in their nightmares and in their vacant lots of inner-city squalor. I’m guessing – and it’s impossible to predict this exactly – that the kids will beat you death rather quickly with canoe paddles.

Although I know it’s a core part of your fantasy, I really don’t think we can roast you alive in front of the kids. Sure, they’ve all seen a man roasted alive on the internet, but seeing that in real life might be more difficult for them to cope with. You’ll probably still be sort of alive anyway when I yell, “Man-Fish Fry!” and the kids cheer and we carry you over to the BBQ pit. We’ll have to look up some good fish BBQ recipes. We’re going to need a lot of tin foil. And some sporks.

Also, the Man-Fish plan will solve the problem of having to shave you. If one of the kid gets some hair in their fillet I’ll say, “Oh! He must have been a hairy Man-Fish!” or if somebody gets a toenail I’ll say, “Oh! The Man-Fish had toenails!” and so on. We can pretty much say anything we want about the Man-Fish. It’s make-believe.

When the grown-ups show up in their burgundy minivans they can eat you too. They’ll be naturally more suspicious but once I explain the Man-Fish story they’ll dig right in. They’ll say, “Man-Fish is sure a nice change from hot dogs this year!”

So, what do you think? I think the Man-Fish Plan is A+.

I don’t have any pictures of the campers or female counselors. I don’t feel comfortable taking pictures of them. Rest assured they are a homely lot of sugarfed, Chicagoland brawlers. I think I might be able to get you some pictures of their moms though! I do that anyway. Particularly the ones wearing yoga pants. Every time I see a mom in yogi pants I fall upon my knees and thank our Heavenly Father for creating them. The yoga pants, I mean.

Well, the parents are arriving to pick up the kids for the 4th, so I have to go. I’ll look forward to your ideas early next week.

Yours,
Chip

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From: Mr. S
To: FoB
Date: July 5, 2011
Subject: Re: Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Chip:

I hope you had a nice July 4th. weekend. I am not too keen on the kids beating me to death cuz I want to smell myself cooking. I would like to experience the aroma of flesh roasting. Do you have a big roasting pan where you could slide me into the Dutch Oven?

To answer your questions – I am an excellent swimmer. What are sporks and what are sugarfed Chicago brawlers?

How does this sound as a possible plan? You had a dream from the Virgin Mary and Mary Magadelene saying there was a person in California that wishes to donate himself to represent the body of Christ at a Hawaiian Luau. The campers and parents will achieve communion by consuming the flesh of this pig and experience a closer relationship with the Holy Spirit. Since you want to provide a strong financial future for campers for years to come, you have been designated as the Event Coordinator to make the luau a fund raising affair. The parents will sell dinner tickets to the feast to their neighbors. The couple who sells the most raffle tickets will have their children sent to camp for free during the entire 2012 season.

Both Marys said women have much better culinary skills than men. Are there any mommies who wish to volunteer to prepare the pig for the luau? Since the men are stronger, the husbands may participate by binding the pig to the spit and carrying him over to the pit for a slow roasting process. The women will constantly baste the pig so his flesh is plump, juicy, and succulent. The children may watch if they are not horrified. Since you have been responsible for rescuing the camp out of this dire circumstance and provided it with a sound financial future, you feel it is only proper that you should be the main or only carver at the luau. I prefer it to be women but I won’t be conscience. Even if I was conscience with an apple in my mouth and my arms and legs bound, I couldn’t put up much of a struggle. If I did struggle, the husbands would hold me still as you draw-and-quarter me.

Have a nice week. Do you think you could get the pictures of the mommies that would volunteer?

Sincerely,
Mr. S

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From: Mr. S
To: FoB
Date: July 5, 2011
Subject: Re: Female Cannibal Feast

Hi Chip

I just had some additional thoughts.

1. If the camp administration’s women or the campers mommies want my picture, I will send you the same one that you got in my first letter.

2. Tell the camp administration that the Tiki Goddesses of August instructed the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene to deliver you a pig from Los Angeles. My flesh will serve as the source of revenue to get the camp out of a financial bind for 2011. When the parents sell luau tickets to their friends, relatives, and neighbors my sacrifice will serve as a sound financial future for the camp for years to come.

Tell the camp director, I am just meat and my purpose on this earth and destiny is to serve mankind and womankind as the nourishment for the daddies, mommies, boys, and girls of your camp. I will hold NO GRUDGE as everyone is partaking of my flesh, therefore, cooking is only a formality. I will live on the the bellies of every man, woman, and child.

I currently weigh in at 205 lbs. but could come well before the feast to be constantly fed and fattened up so none of your guests goes away hungry. The campers fathers may be the security guards around the shed to prevent my escape and may feed me around the clock. On the Hawaiian Luau Day, the fathers may shave me and then bind me to the spit. The men will carry me over to the BBQ Pit where their wives will baste. Then, well, it will be time for me to start my endless rotation ALIVE over the coals with an apple stuffed in my mouth to muffle my cries.

3. The wives and female staff may want to wear flip-flops, grass skirts, and coconut shell bikini tops. They will feel like they are in Hawaii without ever leaving Chicago.

4. Party City Stores might carry the female attire. The husbands could wear Hawaiian print shorts and shirts.

Take Care.

Your Kalua Longpig,
Mr. S

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From: FoB
To: Mr. S
Date: July 9, 2011
Subject: Re:Female Cannibal Feast

Dear Mr. S,

I really like the ideas you’ve sent along, particularly how you’ve brought the Good Lord into the plan. In my mind I’m already visualizing an interpretive dance routine on the beach and maybe even some synchronized swimming with a giant inflatable crucifix on the lake before the meal. I bet we could even round up some strobe lights!

That being said, I regret to inform you that we can’t use you for the Holy Mission 2011 BBQ event. I got a call late last week from one of the camp’s administrators, Mr. B_____, and it turns out that his son has fantasized for years about being roasted alive and eaten at the camp. What are the odds! Two people delivered by Jesus in the span of a month, both willing to spend their final moments cozying up to tater tots on the campers’ plates! I couldn’t be more pleased and I said 100 Hail Marys this morning as I jogged and shadow-boxed my way around Lake WhattaJesus.

Sadly, this leaves you out of the equation as Mr. B_____’s position with the camp gives him authority over the BBQ and over myself. He wants only the best for his son, and has already called dibs on a thigh.

I know you must be disappointed, but take heart: there are literally hundreds of Christian camps across the country. I’m sure at least a few of them would be willing to cook and eat a person, though I think you might struggle a bit to combine that activity with pooping.

Good luck in your search and God Bless,

Chip

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From: Mr. S
To: FoB
Date: July 9, 2011
Subject: Re: Female Cannibal Feast

If something should change either this year or next year put my contact info in your Save Folder

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From: FoB
To: Mr. S
Date: July 9, 2011
Subject: Re:Female Cannibal Feast

Will do, Mr. S. If I don’t hear from you next summer I’ll assume you’ve been eaten.

Take care,
Chip

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Author: Middle

I'm a sporting guy. I like rollerblade basketball, waterpolo and a good dripping paper basket of nachos.

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5 Comments

  1. …but maybe I’m just a prude.

  2. Yeah, I can’t quite tell if he’s serious or not. I’d think that the first time someone shit in my mouth, he might start re-thinking his plan.

  3. Also…I wonder how true to his desire to be killed and eaten this dude would be as he saw his Big Moment approach.

  4. Bwahahahahhahaha! Bad email put to good use.

    I love the last bit about assuming he’s been eaten.

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