We’ve been having a record-setting discussion in the comments section of FatFinger’s post about American being founded on non-Biblical principals.
A couple of Bible literalists (kind of, they skip around on some of the rules, apparently), have been keeping us nice and entertained. For that, we thank you, JOHN and PASTOR NOMAD (though I think we may have scared the pastor off).
Per a discussion with another (unnamed just in case he wants to keep it that way) finger, away from this site, here are some other things you should consider before telling someone that the Bible is the word of God, and that it should be followed to the letter.
“Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” (Leviticus 19:27)
Monk or hippie. Those are the only two things God wants you to look like.
“…do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear material woven of two kinds of material.” (Leviticus 19:19)
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
“But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.” (Leviticus 11:10)
“They (shellfish) shall be an abomination to you; you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination.” (Leviticus 11:11)
Well dammit. So much for the lobster, clam chowder and shrimp scampi.
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.”(Leviticus 25:44-45)
Hell yeah! I was wondering when this would be okay again. It’s been illegal for 144 years, but maybe we can overturn those silly laws since we’re apparently a Christian country.
“If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.” (Leviticus 20:13)
Ohhh! Shellfish and gays are both in the same category. I wonder how the shellfish feel about that?
What about drunk buttsex with a dude who you think is a chick? Do you both have to be put to death? And is this death by your peers, or by someone acting out God’s will? Is there anything in the Bible against buttsex at all? I mean, as long as you pull out and try to inseminate at the last second so as not to waste your sperm, it’s okay, right?
“If a man lies with a woman during her sickness and uncovers her nakedness, he has discovered her flow, and she has uncovered the flow of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from her people.” (Leviticus 20:18)
Hahahahahah. Her sickness. Whoever wrote this book was a dick. Oh wait… I can’t just call God a dick, can I? We’ll just chalk it up to weird translation.
“For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.” (Leviticus 20:9)
One time, at about age 16, after my parents told me that I couldn’t go to a party or something, I was sure that they must have been replaced by robots or aliens or something because there’s no way my real parents could be so mean to me. Is that the same as cursing them? What about when I call someone a motherfucker. I’m not talking about MY mother, so that’s okay, right?
Or are they talking about voodoo curses? That would be rad. If the bible specifically said you couldn’t put a voodoo curse on someone without being sentenced to death.