Bible rules

jesus is the Y

jesus is the Y

We’ve been having a record-setting discussion in the comments section of FatFinger’s post about American being founded on non-Biblical principals.

A couple of Bible literalists (kind of, they skip around on some of the rules, apparently), have been keeping us nice and entertained. For that, we thank you, JOHN and PASTOR NOMAD (though I think we may have scared the pastor off).

Per a discussion with another (unnamed just in case he wants to keep it that way) finger, away from this site, here are some other things you should consider before telling someone that the Bible is the word of God, and that it should be followed to the letter.

Haircuts…
“Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” (Leviticus 19:27)

Monk or hippie. Those are the only two things God wants you to look like.

Clothing…
“…do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear material woven of two kinds of material.” (Leviticus 19:19)

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

Food…
“But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.” (Leviticus 11:10)

“They (shellfish) shall be an abomination to you; you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination.” (Leviticus 11:11)

Well dammit. So much for the lobster, clam chowder and shrimp scampi.

Slaves…
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.”(Leviticus 25:44-45)

Hell yeah! I was wondering when this would be okay again. It’s been illegal for 144 years, but maybe we can overturn those silly laws since we’re apparently a Christian country.

Gays…
“If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.” (Leviticus 20:13)

Ohhh! Shellfish and gays are both in the same category. I wonder how the shellfish feel about that?

What about drunk buttsex with a dude who you think is a chick? Do you both have to be put to death? And is this death by your peers, or by someone acting out God’s will? Is there anything in the Bible against buttsex at all? I mean, as long as you pull out and try to inseminate at the last second so as not to waste your sperm, it’s okay, right?

Period…
“If a man lies with a woman during her sickness and uncovers her nakedness, he has discovered her flow, and she has uncovered the flow of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from her people.” (Leviticus 20:18)

Hahahahahah. Her sickness. Whoever wrote this book was a dick. Oh wait… I can’t just call God a dick, can I? We’ll just chalk it up to weird translation.

Family…
“For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.” (Leviticus 20:9)

One time, at about age 16, after my parents told me that I couldn’t go to a party or something, I was sure that they must have been replaced by robots or aliens or something because there’s no way my real parents could be so mean to me. Is that the same as cursing them? What about when I call someone a motherfucker. I’m not talking about MY mother, so that’s okay, right?

Or are they talking about voodoo curses? That would be rad. If the bible specifically said you couldn’t put a voodoo curse on someone without being sentenced to death.

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Author: Thumb

For some people, Thumb is number one. For others, Index is number one. When I count on my fingers, I use my index finger first and my thumb last. You gotta prolem with that?

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23 Comments

  1. Real magic is how I removed the Spam link from your comment.

  2. Real magic is not the same stuff as in comics or tv shows. The main misunderstanding is that magic offers power that others do not have. The reality is that everyone practices magic if they know it or not (prayer,tarot, astrology, any form of luck or visualization) and what distinguishes a magician, is the will to practice magic well.

  3. Oh how we toil away our freedom for a bite to eat. Control is a bitch in that form too. Lets grow a really big garden and quit our jobs. Does anyone have a bacon tree?

  4. HA! Fair enough…

    ps thanks for all the entertainment this week. I am so over this whole working for a living crap. I have noticed that as long as I staple random things together from time to time I look busy.

  5. No way! Own your failure!!
    It builds character.

  6. PASTOR ! I have a site for you. I do truly enjoy and agree with the way in which my point of view is conveyed on the following site.

    http://toptenproofs.com/article_dinosaurs.php

    You are always so grateful for logical debate and this site has it all for ya! Enjoy

  7. THUMB: I think we need to make a pastor nomad T-shirt and sell it at merch bot… A brontosaurus sticking out of a chop topped chevy “nomad” with a priest collar on, driving while noah hangs his head out the passenger window and pants..

    I’m thinking small, medium, and 3 cubit size.

    (hooray post=intellectual property/Copyfudged)

  8. Commenter 2012 prophecy–“It was always explained to me that Jesus basically wiped out the Old Testament rules (Leviticus, Numbers, etc).”

    That aint what Jesus said. Lemme show you, from Matthew 5…

    Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

    For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

    Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

    For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.

    Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:

    But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

    Y’hear that? Not only did he come to fulfill the law, he came to reinforce it and make it even more demanding!

    Now we’ve got thought crime!

    and don’t you be sayin’ “Raca” at people neither!

    GOT IT?!?

  9. It was always explained to me that Jesus basically wiped out the Old Testament rules (Leviticus, Numbers, etc). So those rules don’t really apply. The new rules given by ‘Big J’ trump the old ones.

    I love the old testament though, better than a HG Welles book(wait, does this say a race of Giants?!?).

  10. God is Joe Francis!

  11. YESH!

    -ED McMahon RIP

  12. So he DID make us in his image!

  13. I was a practicing Christian for ten years. During that time I studied the Bible religiously (sorry, can’t be helped).

    I must have read it fifteen times, cover-cover during that period, and so although i might not be able to cite passage/verse, I do know what’s in the fucking thing and what aint.

    One of the things that is not in the Bible is any prohibition of Lesbian sex.

    There is plenty of material pertaining to Gay male sex, but the only thing that pertains to women is that they are forbidden to wear the attire of a man (which means that Laura Bush righteously pissed off God every time she wore a pantsuit).

    So I guess it turns God’s stomach to see two men going at it, but a little girl-on-girl action is ok with the Big Guy.

  14. i seriously love you people.
    i read the god delusion not too long ago. excellant reading. points out my new favorite part of religion.
    is the fear of going to hell the only reason you are “good”? the only reason you dont “sin” is bc it would upset “god”? but those of us that are “good” bc of our own volition, and are truly living by what you would call the “golden rule”, we are wrong bc we dont go to church or pray to a figment of your imagination?

  15. …and let’s not forget that only a few hundred years ago in THIS country making herbal tea for a cold could be considered witch- craft.

    ..or putting aloe on sunburn.

    ..or any herbal remedy, really.

    -Fat

  16. Jesus was totally a witch! I myself have been practicing that old h2o to wine spell but I can only seem to make the wine disappear. If anyone knows how Jesus turned grass clippings to weed can you plz post spell here? I know more families that could be fed for a longer time with that cash crop and not everyone likes fish.

  17. ROLF. I love this debate for the sheer hardheadedness of it all. I say live and let live, however I can’t tolerate ignorant belief that causes people to kill each other off.

    Spirituality is great. Following a book to the letter is ridiculous. Try reading Fear and Loathing and making that a religion. I’m sure many have tried, but few have lived. haha.

    I know the typical answers to all of those questions Django. I love some of it. Technically speaking….

    Jesus was a nazerine Jew, who later in life became a rabbi. He constantly proclaimed that he was a man.

    “the master is equal to the servant, but not greater than the father”

    Jesus would have been a olive skinned man who had dreadlocks due to the belief of nazarines against cutting their beards and hair. (this is also similar to rastafarian culture.)

    Jesus preached against greed: something that the conservative right ignores constantly by pretending they can justify what they keep…. Or what a pastor decides to pay himself out of what he is calling god’s pocket.

    Jesus promoted love and tolerance of all people from all lifestyles and NEVER once speaks of hell. that’s right folks, according to Jesus, Hell wasn;t even worth mentioning.

    The problem with most religions is they teach you first off that you are inferior to some invisible creator, and that your desires are all wrong. This is the first step (next to sleep deprivation and starvation) in brainwashing performed by experts in a variety of military forces, ETC.) The next step is to dehumanize you completely by taking your worldly posessions and basic survival tools. (build your riches in heaven. not on earth…) They break you down to a sniveling child, reliant on a blind faith in the power of -they- to help you survive. They first starve you, then feed you. After you are broken as a human you are then tamed, just like a horse or any other animal (yeah evolution talk…. risky shit huh?) from there you are open to suggestion, you are depressed, in need of validation, and your own subconcious needs it so bad you will start to “hear god.” talking back. Your fellow church members act as a crutch and help your poor broken soul along with a prayer, and you feel better…. no longer alone and fractured. You let go of control of your life, it’s easier that way. It’s easier to believe that if you just follow the path that has been laid out for you in life by double standards, moral teachings based on lies, laws written by common men, and a very old book you really don’t know is valid at all. Hey guys, who gives a fuck about the steering wheel, lets let go and press the gas. It’s O.K. to die for god… in a war against those demonic muslims, or how about those zionist jews?… or those nuclear bomb toting christian americans?

    Anyway, I think my sarcasm has run dry. I hope someone within the christian community starts a fire under the collective ass of “christ’s body” because I for one am sick as fuck of ignorance and intolerance from people who claim to follow the biggest damn hippy i have ever heard of. I would kick it with Jesus, but you guys following him ought to go back to that vow of silence thing.

  18. Yes but that’s JESUS witchery!

  19. Oh my fav Leviticus rule is found at 20:27 and goes, “Do not turn to mediums or spiritualists” he goes on, “now a man or woman who is a medium or a spiritist shall surely be put to death.” Ok so suffice it to say that mediums and spiritualists are what we modern pagans proudly call witches. A witch is someone who believes and practices the art of spell casting or basically applying their will and focus to make a specific situation go a certain way. Now, if you pray to the same God as Leviticus to let’s say…heal your bad knee so you can play a better game of golf and your knee heals…wouldn’t any modern Christian, Jew, or Muslim claim that as supernatural manipulation? In other words, getting what you pray for. Seems like anyone who believes in a higher spirit is a spiritualist.

  20. It should also have a section in which they provide definitions of common words. It seems like every time I get into a discussion with religious people or conservatives words seem to have vastly different meanings to them.

  21. We should make a short quiz for christians to answer before they’re qualified to debate. Among the questions should be “how to you contextualize this in the face of the modern world?”

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