Calling all male virgins: get laid and save the Internet.
Fisted by stinkfinger under The Internet, candy, information on Wed, Apr 23, 2008
[14] Comments
Dammit. I haven’t been eligible for nearly three decades.*
I will make love with every virgin who defends the Internet.
Certain ISP’s are planning to limit internet access in a way that infringes upon internet freedom or ‘net neutrality’.
I’m using sex in a positive way to spread awareness. The reason why only virgins can apply is because I don’t want to make this promise to such a large amount of people that I’ll have to turn some down.
*I’m not sure she’s thought this through. With a guy, how are you gonna tell? Functionally, she’s definitely going to have to turn down everyone under 18, as well as those much over 18, and that’s still no guarantee she’s getting a virgin. The best kind of proof would be the dude lasting for 30-60 seconds, after which it’s too late for her to renege.
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April 23rd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Manhymens. Haven’t you heard of ‘em?
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Manhymen Steamroller… Wasn’t that a band?
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
There be no such thing.
I have heard of Manhymen Steamroller, though.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 pm
We must have posted the Manhymen Steamroller bits nearly simultaneously.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Ways to beat her system:
1.) Act “coy” about your nakedness
2.) First thing: awkwardly grope and manhandle her breasts like you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing (if she likes the rough stuff this won’t work).
3.) Ask her where her clitoris is.
4.) Feign that you’re having trouble steering the old skin boat into tuna town.
5.) Touch her mons veneris and ask, “is this your G-spot?”
6.) Shoot for T-plus 5 minutes and shooting, or she might get suspicious.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Heh. Mediocre minds think alike, Stink.
Though your list makes me think maybe you were looking at a site where someone is offering to fuck the retarded instead of the virginal.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Though your list makes me think maybe you were looking at a site where someone is offering to fuck the retarded instead of the virginal.
Well, one probably shouldn’t utitlize each and every of these strategies, but one or two practiced beforehand and utilized subtly. You gotta figure, a guy who’s had no experience at all with a woman is going to have to learn some stuff, and may arrive at the moment with a lot of distorted ideas about sex (distorted ideas in this “enlightened” age? Shocking!) And if the lady has prominent “outsies,” navigating the implement into the nether regions can be quite challenging for even a non-virgin until one becomes familiar with the territory, so to speak. Therefore, it doesn’t seem unrealistic to me to expect that a genuine virgin might engage in some of these behaviors.
I’ve heard some real horror stories about virgin dudes who weren’t organically retarded. Like, one 18 year old guy who seemed to think it was sexy to call the woman a bitch and a whore during the sex act. Yikes.
However, it may be the case, considering that all her partners are expected to be virgins, that she will drive. In that case, the non-virgin just has to kind of lay there and let her do her thing. Some guys have a problem with the woman driving (which may reflect a “machisimo” disorder) but I never have.
Thought: Let’s hope she keeps her place of origin well-concealed, lest all the self-deluded virgins who see “all that’s best of dark and bright in her aspect and in her eyes” come seeking her out as the one true love of their lives.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Ok. I’ll give you that.
Hear that, scam-sex-scammers? DON’T DO EVERYTHING ON STINK’S LIST! Pick your favorite two or three.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Oh… And regarding your “all that’s best of dark and bright…” quote.
Is that a reference to Lord Byron or to Firefly FanFic?
April 24th, 2008 at 1:08 am
5.) Touch her mons veneris and ask, “is this your G-spot?”
On reflection, this needs to be removed from the list. It’s pretty retarded; it would either have to be successfully delivered as a joke, or be indicative of retardation by default.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:21 am
“all that’s best of dark and bright…”
Byron, of course. While I know of “Firefly,” I didn’t know anything about Firefly fanfic, and since there is so much wankery in fanfic, my general tendency has been to steer clear of it. I don’t think I ever mentioned it, but my ex was a Darkover/Elfquest/SCA person (the first two were rife with fanfic). I also used to go to SF cons a lot, and I wrote for an APA for years. When I went to college, I began to worry that prolonged exposure to that sort of thing would give me brain cancer, so I have tended to shy away from it ever since (I still love good SF though, although I read less now than I ever have before).
Don’t mistake any of this as “elitist.” I’m just the kind of guy who gets off on reading Plato.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Lovecraft has also been “marginalized” on some fronts, I think, by the proliferation of Cthuloids, etc., and I avoided it for a long time on that basis. Index, however, prevailed upon me, so I read “The Whisperer in Darkness,” and then “The Colour Out of Space.” Quite simply, I was hooked, and I read everything else by him. Lovecraft is awesome. The lesson being, “judge not the genre or the author by the wankers.”
I confess that I’ve written some Lovecraft fanfic myself, because I like the style, and it comes to me very easily.
Now, I should go to bed. This has been one of those mental “high gear” days (related to biorythyms or maybe short-cycle bipolar), and coupling that with rugrats underfoot for a good part of the day…I’m beat.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:17 am
You guys do realize that some of your half of the species are so clueless, inept, hapless, and downright fucking jabronis when it comes to the Joy of SEX that some would hardly need to “act” like a virgin to pull one over on her, no?
To illustrate I’ll even color this scene with my own experience: I was 24, he was 25; we’d both been out of the game a fair few years, let me just put it that way. And while I was considerably more experienced at the time, he was no innocent…but the fucker still turned out to be a three pump chump.
No, my Fellow Fisty Fellas…this is not hyperbole (and you know I’m prone to it). One, two, three, DONE. His excuse? “I didn’t realize you were so hot! What a fucking moron considering we’d just spent all day at the beach and, uh, I was wearing a skimpy ass bikini that did show nearly everything he had just seen.
Whatevs.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:52 am
You guys do realize that some of your half of the species are so clueless, inept, hapless
Of course I realize. Here are some of the horror stories of which I spoke:
- My younger brother overhead a guy he knows lamenting to his father, about his wife “pushing her own button” during sex, that “she shouldn’t have to do that.”
- Another guy said to me, “I gotta be on top – that’s all there is to it. I aint gonna have no woman dominate me.”
- Another guy, “She can blow me all she wants, but I won’t go down on her.” (she was hot like the August sun, and no hygiene issues involved – I asked.)
- Way back in my Peabody Street days, a guy I knew got out of jail, came through my window with his girl whom he hand’t been with for a while, screwed her on my bed, left a wet spot and gave her crabs, and forced me to toss out my hundred dollar percale and fumigate my apartment.
- “Hey, man, get this – my wife sleeps really deep, so the other night I put it in her mouth and then jacked it and shot all over her face.”
- Went to visit an old girlfriend with a mutual friend, just to say hello. After we left, her friend tells me, “She was telling me that she’s not very happy with Danny. She can’t talk to him about…their sex, like she could with you.” It was a hint, but I never got back with her, because it was all about sex. She married a biker/buttrocker some years later.