Digit Bitches

I’ve been traveling for the past few days to AZ on business.  There’s nothing like travel to bring out the dick in me.  The more I travel, the more I notice things that just piss me off, disproportionately, usually.  Here’s a brief list.

  • Bathroom stalls that open inward – First I’m crammed into a miniature booth with piss all over the floor so I have to strategically place my luggage in the dry spot, and be sure my pants don’t touch the floor AT ALL.  Then I have to take a Count Dooku, which I RARELY do because I’m poo-shy but I’ve been forced by nature and a hectic travel schedule.  But to top it all off, when I’ve done the deed, I have to step BACK into the pissy mess to allow the door to swing open, running the risk of stepping in some douchbag’s poor aimings or dipping my luggage into the bowl.  Why the HELL does anyone mount these doors so they swing inward?  Do they assume that we’re so goddamn stupid that we walk along the doors on our way to the urinal, thus running the risk of catching a face full of swinging stall?  GAH!!
  • Improper use of quotes –  In the toilet on the plane (yeah, there’s a few potty-centric things on my list) there’s a sticker on the mirror with instructions on how to use the GARBAGE PORT!!  As if that wasn’t retarded enough, the instructions said: First “push” the lid with one hand.  Then put the garbage “in” with the other.  Who the fuck were they quoting with “push” and “in”?  It’s not even like they were using the quotes to denote irony, which seems to be the latest mangling of the language.
  • Passenger inefficiency – When the plane goes Ding-Dong as it pulls up to the jetway, and the Fasten Seat Belt sign goes dark, I pop my belt off and get my bags from the overhead compartment and stand in the aisle waiting to get off the Death Tube.  Invariably there’s a bevy of people who, once the line starts moving, have to horn in on the flow to yank their steamer trunk down because they weren’t on the fucking ball when they had the chance.  Let the aisle clear THEN take out your knicknacks for the grandkids, you coont.
  • Sample Pushers – My business this trip was installing computers in a mall food court restaurant.  I had to walk by the same jackass with a tray of bourbon chicken on toothpicks no less than a dozen times.  He asked me if I wanted a sample EVERY TIME!!!  Dude, I recognized you after the second go around.  How do you not recognize the scowling big dude after the tenth?  I don’t want your goddamn chicken!!  In fact, the whole idea of free samples from a paper plate with toothpicks shoved in them, in the open air of a commerce environment repulses me.  Then add the pushiness of a Girlscout cookie table outside the local supermarket, and I want to make a fucking Voodoo doll out of you with those toothpicks (Available at Thumbstore!).  And while I’m at it, fuck the Girlscouts and their goddamn Guilt Table at the grocery store.  I’m not going to buy your damn cookies to support a good cause.  I hate good causes because they made me feel guilty for not supporting them.  Well I refuse to fall victim to Guilt Commerce ANY MORE!!  So FUCK YOU!!!  And also fuck the Best Buy and Wal Mart greeters.  I don’t know you.  Don’t say hi to me.

OK, that’s all for now.  I have to catch a shuttle bus back to Lemmingham in a few minutes.  I feel better now.

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Author: Digit

Digit makes a daily swim from his undersea habitat 500 feet below the surface of the Indian Ocean, risking the bends, to share his internet nuggets with the rest of you. And this is the thanks he gets. Master. Commander. Deckhand. Poopdeck. Poop.

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2 Comments

  1. I always avoid the sample pushers, too. Except at Trader Joe’s, where the samples are awesome

  2. Travel Tip! Stop using Airporter Shuttle. It’s only a little more expensive and a LOT faster to use Horizon’s connecting flight between SEA and BLI. Do you really want to spend nearly 3 hours on a crappy bus ride?

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