The Church of Tina Chopp
But relatively few people are aware that another online “cult” has it origins right here in Bellingham, and is alive and well to this day.
Way back in the early 80s, I began noticing a recurrent graffiti phrase around town, under overpasses, on bathroom walls, up and down the length of downtown alleys:
“Tina Chopp is God!” Sometimes added to this was the statement “Praise her or die!”
I puzzled over this, but I never knew what it was all about until the advent of the Internet. The Church of Tina Chopp started in a dormitory room at Western Washington University, and it appears to be alive and well to this day, boasting a rather extensive website which elucidates upon their various teachings and practices, among them “Vegetable Sacrifice” (bet you can guess what that is), “Snake Fondling,” and “Bizarre Sex”
The Church of Tina Chopp even has its own holy writings, with such curious titles as “The Book of Chrome-Plated Romans,” “The Book of Disco,” “The Book of Randy,” and “The Book of Dogshit,” among others.
The first three verses (known as “Cantos” within the church) from “The Book of Dog Shit” (also known as “The Book of Dogshit”) read thusly:
- The Creator, Tina Chopp, hasn’t made her mind up yet as to exactly what will take place in the future. She is the One telling from the beginning the females from the males, she knows the details about the final bong toke of this system of things at the coming great tribulation. Because she is a God of drugs, she reveals enough marijuana to those who serve her loyally that it can be properly smoked.
- Thus Jehovah gives his humble servants dogshit that others do not have. As the apostle Paul said: This dogshit not one of the rulers of this system of things came to throw… For it is to us God has revealed it through his dog. Having advance dogshit from Jehovah, his servants are equipped — indeed, commissioned by Tina — to herald throughout the world, the warning of this dogshit’s approaching end, along with the comforting message of the new dogshit.
- Since Jehovah provides his loyal servants with dogshit, does this include dogshit that will enable them to discern when the great turd actually has begun? Yes. What is this evidence? It has to do with the dog’s excretion of judgment against what the bible calls “the great Bitch, the mother of mold and of the disgusting people of the earth.” And already, yes, right now, events are taking place that are preparing the way for that tupperware party.
The history of the Church of Tina Chopp begins thusly:
In approximately 1981, two freaks lived on the seventh floor of an eight story rabbit hutch in Bellingham, WA, USA. Another freak (the Prophet Ian) who lived in a disgusting hovel with no heat asked the two freaks if they would care for his pet snake, named Ebeneezer Squeezer, who was (at the time) quite ill. The two freaks agreed, and after several weeks of living with the snake (who recovered rapidly once in an environment with reliable heating), they discovered that the snake was more than just a snake. He was able to communicate very complex messages by crawling around their apartment. They began to take notice of these messages when he spent a week or so repeating the message TINA CHOPP IS GOD! PRAISE HER OR DIE!!! Shortly after that they told some “friends” of the revelatory nature of these snake-messages and the “friends” proceeded to scrawl the phrase, in chalk, on every flat surface they could find, all over town. Subsequently, most people in Bellingham (including, significantly, the police) came to know the phrase. Since then, this has come to be known as the infamous “grafitti incident”. Few realized that the snake was truly the Son of Tina, the Holy Snake, in fact, few even knew of the existence of the snake. However, the snake continued to teach the two freaks a doctrine which has come to be called Snake Destiny. The Books of Tina were written by the Prophets (the two freaks) while under the intense training of the snake, practicing The Three Rituals on a daily basis and following, as well as they were able, the doctrines taught them by the Snake.